Monday, November 3, 2008

The Most Rotten Tomato

I can’t remember the last time I saw a movie I was disappointed with. I mean, before this past weekend. This was a record-breaker. This weekend, I saw two.


W "A limp, lifeless story about a remarkably untalented man." – RottenTomatoes.com



What the hell, Oliver Stone? Didn’t you direct Platoon? Wall Street? JFK?

I didn’t think it was terrible. It was alright. But the more I think of it, the more I want to kick this movie in the teeth. It wasn’t even a re-telling of George Bush’s shitty presidency. It was a re-telling of his shitty presidency and his shitty life. “Here’s something that happened. Here’s another thing that happened. Here’s another one. Credits.” No conflict, no climax, no resolution. Nothing. It basically told the story of a confused boy trying to become a man and prove something to his father. The only problem is, everyone already knows that story. He’s portrayed as a dumbass on a self-destructive ride that's taking millions of people with him (Which, sadly, is fairly accurate).

I will say this: characterizations were spot on. Richard Dreyfuss; amazing. Josh Brolin; absolutely phenomenal. Perhaps even Oscar-worthy. But if I wanted to watch an empty presentation of political impersonations, we have SNL for that.

If you don’t know anything about George Bush, maybe it would be an okay flick. But the fact that these people can play some other people pretty well does nothing to help the fact that this movie promised to be epic and it turned out to be completely empty.

Zack and Miri Make A Porno
"It's one thing for a movie to be dirty; it's another thing altogether for it to be plain sloppy." – RottenTomatoes.com



I’m still in denial that I was disappointed. I really don’t want to be. I like Kevin Smith and he’s hit the mark with most of his other films. Even Jersey Girl was decent. But I honestly feel like he fumbled a bit with Clerks 2 and, on Zack and Miri, he totally dropped the ball. Not only was it wildly predictable, not only did the romance overshadowed the comedy, and not only was this a Hollywood sell-out movie, but Smith sacrificed his classic simple style for Seth Rogan’s one-trick pony character. Seth Rogan works in a Seth Rogan movie, but not in a Kevin Smith movie.

It’s interesting to think that his lesser financed films like Chasing Amy (which was made on $250 000) were better than his big budget hollywood movies. His stories were interesting when he had to drag through dog shit to get them. Characters sprang to life like the heroic weed that defies cement and grows through the cracks because they had to. But now they don't have to, since Smith can simply throw money at something and just make it work. Why am I seeing fancy dolly and crane shots in a Kevin Smith movie? What's sad is that Smith is in a position to make big budget movies that the public at large will eat up when, in reality, his films had much more heart and were fantastically character-driven when they were made on the cheap.

What really pissed me off was the big shock shot. The blatant visual shocker. For those who don’t want it spoiled, it had the audience curling up in their seats and reeling for almost a full minute. For those who do, highlight the following spoiler: During an anal sex scene where the cameraman is getting an angle from underneath, a constipated porn star unloads a pile of shit all over the cameraman’s face.

I wasn't disgusted at all. I was just disappointed. That Smith would sell out like that for shock value. Sitting around high with friends, that stuff is hilarious. Absolutely. But it translates to a sell-out on the big screen.

Unless you want to see a few minutes of boobs, a flash of bush, and a clear shot of Jason Mewes' dick, skip it. And if you want to see all but the latter, save the admission price and check out redtube.com.

RANDOM BONUS: PEDOPHILE RAP

Has anyone actually listened to the lyrics to Pimp Juice?

“Pimp juice is color blind
You find it work on all color, creeds, and kinds
From ages 50 right down to 9.”

Wait, what the fuck? PIMP JUICE WORKS ON 9-YEAR OLDS?!

2 comments:

  1. I'm glad you wrote this, because I was gonna go with some people to see that Z & M movie.

    Dude..here's the deal. Those movies sound shitty. But a while ago..did you see The Happening? Because that is the worst movie ever. You should have reviewed that one.

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  2. I am glad you posted this because I wanted to see both of them, too.


    And hahaha @ Nelly. Chris Hansen will definitely kick his ass.

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