Thursday, March 12, 2009

My Epic Tax Tale

I decided to get my taxes done last Saturday. I go to H&R Block, I go, "Do I need an appointment?" She says no. I go, "Okay, I want to just do a simple refund," and pull out my papers. She goes, "well, there are two people ahead of you. Do you want to come back around 5:00? I can take your name." I'm like, "Isn't that an appointment?" That’s 1.

So I go for lunch. I wanna grab some Harvey’s.

I get to the counter, I don’t see a debit machine. Or even a debit sticker on the wall. I think maybe it’s all neatly hiding under the counter which, honestly, when is it ever? They always have cords all willy-nilly. The woman sees my debit card in my hand and goes, “Cash only.” I’m thinking, “You’re in the food court in the Eaton Centre and you don’t have debit? Stupid fucks.” So I go to KFC, who I know has debit because they have it sitting out on the counter where it should be.

I go back to H&R Block at 5:00 and they’re still busy, so the woman tells me to try the Sears location. That’s 2.

They’re hidden in the back corner and naturally not busy, so I’m set. This dude does up my taxes, but I get this red flag. “It say here you haf reassessment from previous year?” He talked like that cuz he was Ukrainian. “I have no idea. I never received one,” I says.
“We can call CRA but they’re only open until 1:00 on veekends. You come back tomorrow, ve call.”

“Okay, cool.” That’s 3.

Sunday, I go into the Sears location at 12:05. There’s one woman there, but she said the system isn’t turned on yet so I should come back in 15 minutes. I wander around and return at 12:25. Now there are three women there and the still, nothing is working. The first woman spots me and gives me a, ‘Oh shit, he’s back’ look like she thought I’d forget to come back or something? They’re not working, so they direct me back to the mall location. Fuck, come ON. That’s 4.

I head to the mall location and explain, “I was in yesterday. They said they could call CRA to find out about a reassessment?”

“Okay, just wait here.” There are two other people ahead of me and I finally get in about 12:50 (remember, the CRA closes at 1:00). I get the same Ukrainian guy I got up at Sears yesterday, so he knows what the deal is. He calls CRA. Or maybe he just pretended to call them and act all defeated when he couldn’t get through. “I don’t think they open Sundays.”

“You said they were open till 1:00 on weekends?”

“But not Sundays.”

Well, what the fuck is Sunday if not the weekend? And you can’t just be realizing they’re closed on Sundays. You knew they were closed! Of course you did. You knew they were closed on Sundays altogether, but he neglected to tell me. Dick.

“They open tomorrow at 9:00.”

“Okay, I’ll come early tomorrow.”

“Okay.” That’s 5.

I have to work around 10:00, so that gives me time to get to the mall early and get this taken care of Monday morning. I get there at 9:15. Guess who's closed?

“What the - ?” No problem. They must just be setting up. I’ll take a few minutes to get some McDonalds for breakfast.

I order the BLT combo and wait off to the side while the Asian woman behind the counter served EVERY FUCKING PERSON IN LINE. She’d take an order and then go, “Necks pease!” (next please.) Never would she actually bring the orders out. Here’s a little group of people standing here waiting for their meals and she just keeps going “Necks pease!” and adding to the group. Some idiot even paid for a sausage and egg mcmuffin with a fucking credit card. This guy can’t even purchase an egg mcmuffin outright, he has to put it on credit and pay interest on it?


Anyways, I get my meal, scarf it down, head back to H&R Block around 9:35. Motherfuckers still aren't open.

I walk around for a few more minutes and come back. There’s a guy there setting shit up, clearly not ready to start filing my taxes. But of course I stupidly ask, “Are you guys open yet?”

“No, we open at 10:00.” Out loud, I was like, “Okay, cool.” But in my head, I was like, “What the fuck? The CRA opens at 9:00 and you guys open at 10:00?” Dickbag from yesterday must have known that too. Fuck, now I have to go to work. That’s 6.

Later that afternoon, I step out for a bit and head down to finally get things taken care of. It’s the middle of the day and everyone’s at work, so they won’t be busy.

Why I thought that is beyond me. Of course no one’s at work. We’re in a recession, people are losing their jobs all over the place. The mall location was busy. “No problem,” I thought. “I know the hidden Sears location won’t be busy.”

They were busier.

I shuffle up to the counter, past people waiting in seats. I wasn’t gonna stop like an idiot and ask, “Are you guys waiting?” because they would obviously say yes and then I’d look like an asshole by skipping the line. So fuck ‘em, I didn’t ask.

I explain my situation to the woman at the counter. Having just told her I need them to call CRA, she scans my papers and the conclusion she came to was, “We haf to call CRA.” Goddamn genius, this woman. She waves to the people I passed and goes, “You sit. I call you.” (She was also Ukrainian.)

Well fuck, I can’t stay here all afternoon. I have to get back to work. “Do you know how long the wait is?,” I ask.

Without looking up from her paper, “No.”

“Is there any way we can do it now?”

“You come back later.”

What? The reason I decided to use H&R Block in the first place was because I could get instant cashback. If I wanted to keep waiting, I would have mailed that shit in and waited a week. It’s not often I lose my temper and I always feel bad afterwards, but I was like eff this.

"Look - I came in twice this weekend and the CRA was closed. I work until 6:00 and CRA is only open until 5:00. I was told they open at 9:00 and I was here at 9:00 but you don’t open until 10:00 and I work at 10:00. I have to go back to work. So no, I can’t come back later. This is the seventh fucking time I've been here in the past two days. This is fucking ridiculous."

That did it. A nearby agent who had just finished with a client (and probably heard me swear at her friend a moment ago) took me in and took my papers. It’s probably no surprise at this point that the gentleman I came in to see on Saturday AND Sunday didn’t even save my file, even though he had pretty much finished everything the first time I was here. “I sorry. We haf to do again.” (How many Ukrainian people work at H&R Block?)

Frustrated, the woman starts my file again. Luckily, I don’t have any foreign investments, no RRSPs, TFSAs or GICs, co-dependants, so it was relatively easy. Even the CRA call I've been waiting two days for only took two minutes.

Turns out I get a return, which I was already told on Saturday. “You want cashback?” “Yeah.” “You want debit card or money order?” I know they rape you with bullshit per-use ‘convenience’ charges on the debit card, so I opted for a money order. She deducts $48 for the services and gives me a certified Western Union money order, which I promptly take to deposit in the bank.

I head to the bank and tug on the door. Why is this door locked? Did they get robbed or something? I look inside and mouth “Closed?” to the teller. She nods. The bank closed at 4:00pm. The bank closes at 4:00pm? What the fuck kind of bank closes mid-afternoon? How long were you guys open today, ten minutes?

Anyways, I wait till the next day. I hit the bank and present the money order. “Will there be a hold on this if I deposit into my account?” She takes the money order and looks it over for a second. “Yeah, for a day or so.” Well, I’m sure a day or so means a week so fuck it. I’ll just get it cashed at Money Mart.

And then Money Mart takes $12 in charges to cash the check. Awesome. Why did I even get a return? Why don't you and H&R Block just gangbang me?

Should it have taken five days and seven trips get such an ‘instant’ refund, or am I being a total dick here?


  1. Wow, Rodger, way to be a dick to a bunch of harmless foreigners trying to help you get some of your hard-earned money back. You think those guys took a boat over here just for that kind of treatment? If they read this blog (if they could read it), they'd probably lose all faith in humanity. Clearly they were all working hard and long hours, doing their best to help people and be as efficient as possible... I didn't realize I was friends with such an asshole.

    Love you.

  2. Eff every establishment that you mentioned in that blog. Shit in a mug and throw it at them. And then get hammered, cuz you deserve it.

    The (Freshly Refreshed) Red Head

  3. Wow Rodge...I pity you, sounds like a whole lot of wated time. It would of been easier and cheaper for you to just have gone to an accountant like I did :p...haha, he only charged me $25.

  4. I just Laughed my fukin ass off and shared this story with a bunch of peeps....fuckin hilarious man....keep up the blog man. You should do a YouTube blog.....LOL seriously....go to HnR and do a video interview on how bad they suck balls....I'd fuckin loose my mind.

    Carl Baker

  5. Thanks Carl. Spread that shit like herpes. I hope to do videos sometime, things are in the works. :)

  6. lolololol@the whole story. See it's mentally frustrating for you but hill-air-ios-o for moi. I love H&R Block. I always get right in and right out. But I wasn't given the option of a money order. I got the shitty debit card which I promptly took to the nearest ATM that allowed $10 bills to be withdrew and mourned the loss of $3.47 that remained untouchable. Fuckers.

  7. Jesus Rodger just get direct deposit set up and Netfile the damn thing! Can't take more than a few days to get your money back and then you don't have to pay all of those extra fees.

  8. Amy: it's pretty hilarious for me too. But only after the fact. During, I would have punched a baby in anger.

    Erica: Good idea. Where were you a month ago? :p
    PS - I also like how you called me Jesus Rodger. haha

  9. Just read this horror story that rivals Anne Rice novels.

    Fucking SILLY.

    But yeah man you got suckered into those cheap "Express" gimmicks. It's all bullshit.

    Youtubeblog would be cool.

    I was thinking we could work on something like a streeter or something where we go up to people at events, conventions, etc, and just make asses out of ourselves and people by asking stupid questions and making dumb observations. Holla at chaboy!

  10. Summer's comin' up man! Lots of fantastic opportunities to act like assholes. :)