Dear Guy In Line In Front Of Me At Loblaws,
When I approached the express lane, the cashier had just finished ringing you through. "Can I get a bag... for free?" you asked with a grin. 'Obviously, you cannot', I thought. 'Who the hell do you think you are? You must be joking'. And I thought you were joking, so I leaned in and joked along.
"That's what I want too!" I said to both you and the cashier. I motioned to the guy behind me. "Can this guy get a free bag too?" You didn't even respond. Made me look like an idiot.
"Do you want a bag? I have to charge you five cents," came her government-mandated reply.
"No, I want one. For free."
"I can't just give you one," she replied.
"You're telling me if I came in here and bought two hundred dollars worth of stuff, you'd charge me five cents for a bag?" was your clever retort.
"Well..." She stammered, obviously forgetting her training from the session where they teach you how to respond to customers who still complain about paying for plastic bags. "It's not a store policy, it's the government - "
"Okay!" you said. Okay, like, 'that's fine. I understand'. I assumed you'd pay, save the nickel for a hand job, gather your items in your cradled arms and be on your way. But, no! You took a stand against the injustice and walked away, leaving your items scattered on the belt and your transaction unfinished on the screen. You ignored our curious looks as you disappeared out the door. The supervisor had to come all the way over from the courtesy desk and type in her secret password so they could skip your shit and continue serving paying customers. What were you buying? Pepperettes, potatoes and ice cream? You didn't even want your damn Pepperettes, did you? You just wanted to cause a scene in the grocery store. I see how it is.
Well, I hope you feel better. Not only did you miss out on your lunch for your inability to a) part with a nickel or b) invest a dollar in a reusable cloth bag, the store got that five cents from me when I bought a bag five seconds later. You know why? I needed one. And I didn't assume a) rules don't apply to me and I should get one for free or b) people care to listen to me get on my soapbox and complain about something that has been a common practice for well over a year.
You're a dick.
PS - They charge you for extra dipping sauce at Burger King. Don't act so fucking surprised.