*This list will almost certainly change daily.
1. Microsoft Word: when I open you, you automatically give me a blank document. That’s thoughtful, I‘ll admit. But then when I’m all, “Thanks anyways, I’m actually just going to open another document,” and try to close the blank one, you ask me if I want to save it. What’s wrong with you? Why would I want to save a blank document? I haven’t typed anything, you dim-witted piece of crap software.
2. Guys Who Wear Giant Keyrings on Their Belt Buckle: What the fuck, man? Are you a janitor? Are you the mayor? What in samhell are you doing with all those keys?! And hey, don’t forget that unnecessarily giant clippy thing! You need that for when you go rock climbing, remember? Dickwad.
3. People Who Stand On The Walking Side Of The Escalator: What's going on in your retarded head? You're new, you don't know the rules? I can’t excuse the fact that you’re also ignoring the rest of the world around you. You didn’t notice you’re the only one standing on this side of the escalator? You don’t think you should make up for all that extra room in front of you? Well, pardon me for being such an asshole but you’re getting pushed right out of the way. To the right side of the escalator where you belong.
4. Guy On The Bus Who Loudly Described The Gruesome Car Accident He Witnessed Last Week: Social tact doesn’t seem to be your strong suit. Everyone on the bus was listening to you.
5. Me When I Hand The Cashier My Debit Card: Okay, putting myself on notice was a tough one, but I have to admit this is a real dick move. It’s not like I’m too stupid to start this procedure. The debit machine is right in front of me. I’ve even figured out which way the card goes by looking at the little picture beside the swipey thing. But don’t I feel like a complete dipshit when I hand them my card and they turn the machine around and swipe my card, then hand the machine back to me? Yeah, I really do. What am I, too cool for school and I can’t even swipe my own debit card?
6. People Who Type Or Say “Sigh”: Knock that shit off.
RANDOM BONUS: CONVERSATION I HEARD ON THE SUBWAY
Girl A: “That is such a cute shirt.”
Girl B: "Thanks, but it's actually a dress.”
Girl A: “Is it really?”
Girl B: “Well, I hope so because I'm not wearing any pants.”