Phone Numbers and Pizza.

I’ll tell you what needs to happen. People need to stop spelling their phone numbers with words. Everyone is upgrading to a QWERTY keyboard, so the helpfulness of you switching your numbers to letters has been, much like Jazzy Jeff’s career after The Fresh Prince of Bel Air, rendered completely obselete.




Now when you want to dial something stupid like 1-800-PIZZA-4U, you actually have to look at a regular phone to see what the numbers are. How about you just give us the numbers in your phone number? That’s what the number buttons are for.

Speaking of pizza, you know who could use a pizza delivery place? Antarctica. Think about it. There are no pizza places in Antartica, are there? You’d have a pizza monopoly.



Now, you could go two ways with this.

One: you charge regular pizza prices, like $15 for a large pepperoni, but it takes two days for delivery and you travel by dogsled. Don’t get me wrong, it would be pretty badass to deliver pizza on a dogsled; just that the pizza would be frozen again by the time you got it there, even if it was within your ’48 hours or it’s free’ guarantee.



Two: you charge astronomical prices, like $150 for a large pepperoni, but the guarantee is still 40 minutes and you deliver it in a helicopter. Fuck dogsleds. Deliver the pizza in style, on time, and still hot. I bet those lonely scientists would buy the shit out of your pizzas. You could open franchises in different parts of the continent. Then you’d have to get a fleet of pizza delivery helicopters.



Where would you get the pilots, you ask?

You could hire migrant Mexican workers… in the summer, they pick strawberries. In the winter, they fly pizza delivery helicopters in Antarctica. They would make tons of money (although, I have it on good authority that Antarcticans are lousy tippers.)

Of course, if you couldn’t afford to buy a ton of helicopters and train Mexican pilots, you could go with option three and train penguins to deliver your pizza. You could just strap a pizza on their back and they could slide on their bellies.

The only disadvantage that you have with the penguins - aside from the fact that a helicopter could beat a penguin in a race even if it was blindfolded, once you figure out how to blindfold a helicopter - is that seals eat penguins. I don’t think business would be very good when your customers learn that, not only did hungry seals devour half of your delivery fleet, but they also ate the pizzas being delivered.

I guess, on second thought, as long as seals are still eating penguins, an Antarctic pizza delivery company wouldn’t be the best idea.

Anyways, stop spelling your phone numbers with letters.