Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Married To a Roller Coaster

Amy Wolfe, a US church organist who claims to have objectum sexuality, a condition that makes sufferers attracted to inanimate objects, plans to marry a magic carpet fairground ride.

This follows a "courtship" of 3,000 rides over ten years with the 80ft gondola ride called 1001 Nachts. (via)

Courtship? Wow. Some dates those would be!

“I love him as much as women love their husbands and know we’ll be together forever,” she said.

I guess if you think about it, a roller coaster is better than a husband. A roller coaster will never gain weight. It will never get lazy. It has a reliable job. The only thing is, it really sucks trying to get dinner reservations for you and a counterbalanced roundabout.

BONUS: A roller coaster won't defy you when you ask it to take out the garbage (It won't necessarily take out the garbage, but at least it won't say no. It won't say anything, because it's a roller coaster.)

Also, roller coasters will never complain about you getting fat and lazy! That’s a bonus; after the marriage, you can immediately let yourself go. None of that ‘pretending you’re staying in shape to benefit your lover’ stuff.

Heck, you could cheat on a roller coaster and what would it do? Even if a roller coaster walked in and caught you in the middle of three-way between an inflatable castle and a spinning teacup ride, what could it possibly do? Nothing. It’s a fucking roller coaster!

Anyways, the article continues:

Miss Wolfe first fell for the ride when she was 13: “I was instantly attracted to him sexually and mentally.

Whoa whoa, what? She was only 13? What is a roller coaster doing coming onto a 13-year old girl? Sounds like a sexual predator to me. I think Chris Hansen needs to pay a visit to this theme park.

“I wasn’t freaked out, as it just felt so natural, but I didn’t tell anyone about it because I knew it wasn’t ‘normal’ to have feelings for a fairground ride.”

So it’s probably safe to say that this woman has never ever ever had any physical contact with any human being, ever?

Ten years later, she decided to go back to Knoebels Amusement Park to declare her love. She now sleeps with a picture of the ride on her ceiling and carries its spare nuts and bolts around to feel closer to it.

How did she pull that off?

RANDOM PARK GUEST – HI, I’m in love with this roller coaster. Can I have some of its spare nuts and bolts?
OPERATOR – Well, they are our spare nuts and bolts... but sure, you can have them.

Not likely.

She claims to believe they share a fulfilling physical and spiritual relationship and does not get jealous when other people ride it.

I’d really like to know how you have a spiritual relationship with a roller coaster? You might as well try coming onto a toaster. Good luck with that, though. I’ve been trying to strike up a conversation with my toaster for months and she’s not having it.


  1. DUAL slots on the toaster? Now THERE'S a hot threesome (pun intended?)!

    That's really sweet of her that she doesn't get jealous when other people ride the roller coaster. I mean I'm sure the park would be happy to shut down the ride if she requested it because of infidelity, but it's very sweet that it doesn't have to come to that point, and you know what? Kudos to her for being so mature about the situation.

    I would argue, though, sir, that one *would* have to keep themselves in somewhat decent physical condition because if you let yourself go too much, you probably won't be able to ride the roller coaster any more, and then what good is that relationship? AND, she went back ten years later? I guess she doesn't live too close? The woman is maintaining a long-distance relationship! Further kudos.

    I wonder what the roller coaster has to say about this?

    Brilliant post, sir.

  2. RODGER!!! DUDE, what is up man? This is Mike Gopinath!!!! I don't even know if you remember me man! lol. I used to volunteer at Topix back when Claire was there, I helped you out sometimes in that editing room!!! i don't have you on facebook anymore, so i just searched your name and got to your blog!!! lol.. sorry for the long explanation!!! what is up man? you still at topix? I'm at sheridan for animation!!! lemme know whats up man!!!