Your Horoscope For Today

Seriously, guys. I have a monkey statue that can tell the future.

Trouble arises with a friend or relative. The position of Venus advises you to hide a dead fish somewhere in their house.

A great opportunity will present itself later this month. You, as usual, won't see it coming and will let it completely pass you by.

Luck is on your side this week, so blow your entire paycheck on lottery tickets. You’re bound to win something!

Forgetting to erase internet history could cause some unnecessary trouble in the coming weeks.

As you go to pour yourself a cup of coffee this morning, something very obvious will hit you for the first time. You have way too many mugs - some of them you've never even seen before! Where the fuck did all these mugs come from?! You need an intervention.

(Sidenote: I feel really dirty checking out the Olsen twins. They look like they could still get the 'Under 10' discount at buffet restaurants.)

You could find that communication is weak today; do not misread what people are trying to tell you now. Ask questions if something is unclear. Continue asking questions, even when it's inappropriate. It's gonna be REALLY funny when you do it, trust me!

The rare alignment of Mercury and Pluto is a surefire sign that you should avoid dying this week. Reap the benefits of your success.

The position of Saturn encourages you to drop the façade. You’re not fooling anyone.

Your life is just a series of, "That sonofabitch at Tim Hortons gave me a cinnamon raisin bagel! Are you kidding me? What an idiot. I'm gonna go back in there and - oh my god, look how long the line is! This is ridiculous. Aw, screw it," and that totally sucks.

If you’re planning a trip, don’t forget to feed your fish. Or your dog. Or something.

Sometimes you are pushed by other to just let go and do what you want. Effectively demonstrate your spontaneity by tongue-kissing a complete stranger on the crosstown bus.

Someone you know will try to meddle in your affairs this week. Just to be on the safe side, meddle in the affairs of everyone you know.

An unwanted penis erection puts a damper on travel plans somewhere around the 26th.

You may have a lot on your plate right now. If you are planning a proposal, put it off; you will get shot down like a dyslexic heroin addict.

Get ready for an unexpected surprise this week. It will happen Thursday around 4:30.

The new moon in your sign encourages you to continue taking others for granted. You'll see results in the long run.

You will be faced with strong decisions regarding a friendship this week. Rather than deal with the issue head-on, avoid it like the bubonic plague and drunkenly hit on barely legal waitresses at the Pickle Barrel.

Watch Jeopardy tonight; Alex Trebek will mention you personally.

A quick decision this week will save your life. More specifically, stopping to switch from Lady GaGa to Adam Lambert on your iPod will keep you from getting hit by a bus because you never bother to look where you're going in the first fucking place.

Stress will get you down late this week. Drown your sorrow in a bathtub full of José Cuervo.