6 Crappy Cancer Scares

It seems that, in this germ-riddled and disease-rampant age, anything and everything will give you some form of cancer. You could try cutting these things out of your life and locking yourself in your house until the end of your natural life but I’m sure that isolation and watching too much daytime TV also causes cancer. Sorry about that.

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Already linked with an increased risk of cardiovascular disease and certain cancers, including cancer of the pancreas, red meat was found by a team of US researchers to be a possible cause of bladder cancer,

Now I can’t even enjoy what I thought was a healthy sandwich from Subway without worrying about more cancer? I loaded that thing up with tons of vegetables, fresh bread… how could that possibly be bad for me?!

The culprits in the cold cuts are nitrates and nitrites which are added to meat when it is processed to preserve and enhance colour and flavour.

Fuckin’ nitrites! They’re always getting in my lunch meats. Of course, without them, there’s always botulism. Hmmm… botulism or cancer? Tough choice.








I thought this caused blindness? Now it causes cancer too? You already ruined my sandwich! Can’t I enjoy anything anymore?

(Fortunately ladies, this one only applies to the gentlemen.)

a new paper in the British Journal of Urology International (BJU) reports a statistically significant correlation between the frequency of sex and masturbation to the early onset of prostate cancer.

BJU? Really? That doesn’t sound like a very reliable source. But before you start cutting down on your RedTube time…

a 2004 study in the Journal of the American Medical Association (JAMA) and a 2003 paper from the Australian Cancer Council Victoria claim that frequent masturbation and intercourse actually decreases the risk of prostate cancer.

So basically… don’t bother changing your routine at all? Great.

I imagine that research grant could have been spent more wisely...








Damn, really? I love popcorn. I get the Kernels powder and put it on at home. Makes me feel like I’m at the movies.

According to new health research by the U.S. government, microwave popcorn contains chemical substances that can cause cancer and lung problems!

Like we can trust health research from the US government? The same government who allows keg-sized fountain drinks and quadruple stack cheeseburgers… for breakfast? Screw that.

Commercial popcorn companies often coat their microwave popcorn bags with a chemical called perfluorooctanoic acid (PFOA) … In one study using rats, health researchers concluded that small amounts of PFOA caused cancer and liver tumors

And where are the rat advocates in all of this? Scientists have been beating the shit out of rats for decades! Do rats get medical assistance or financial compensation when they get cancer? Nope.

There is compelling scientific evidence linking occupational exposure to diacetyl to bronchiolitis obliterans, a debilitating and sometimes fatal lung disease

Don’t worry, that’s just for occupational exposure. Like the guys who work at the Orville Reddenbacher factory who come in contact with giant bags full of that shit every day. You’ll be just fine.

Worried about the health risks of microwave popcorn? Don't want cancer or fatal lung disease caused by chemicals in your microwave popcorn?

How do you know? Maybe I do.

Avoiding the dangers of microwave popcorn is easy: Pop your own popcorn at home!

It’s advised that you make your own popcorn at home, using a pot on the stove? Good idea. While you’re at it, why don’t you churn your own butter and use a washboard for your laundry? Niiiiice.

This second study is even more conclusive, in that it shows a dose-dependent statistically significant increase in lymphomas/ leukemia in both male and female rats exposed to aspartame. These two cancers are the fastest growing cancers in people under age 30.

Follow the dirty story of how aspartame came to be and this one is clearly a karma-induced commentary on our dependence on an unnatural chemical that has only been in existence for 45 years. Aspartame carcinogenicity has been known for decades (try weaving ‘carcinogenicity’ in a conversation today.)

What can I say? We’re really, really stupid. And we love Diet Coke.

But that’s probably occupational exposure to aspartame, right?

It should be appreciated that the doses used in these study fall within the range of doses seen in everyday users of aspartame.

Damn.

What’s really that bad about aspartame? Apparently, a lot.

Products that contain aspartame have a warning on it that alerts people to the natural amino acid phenylalanine. This amino acid is not dangerous to most people but it is toxic to people that suffer from the rare disease, phenylketonuria. People that suffer from phenylketonuria cannot break down the phenylalanine and it can rise to toxic levels and cause brain damage.

I guess the question you have to ask yourself is: would you rather have toxic brain damage or cancer? With the right balance of aspartame, you can probably have both!

Methanol is also considered as being dangerous … In the body, methanol breaks down into formic acid and formaldehyde.

Bad news: formaldehyde is a neurotoxin. Good news: If you die, you’ll be good to go.

And if you don’t have phenylketonuria, don’t worry; aspartame can still give you high levels of phenylalanine in the brain, which can lead to seratonin depletion and depression.

So there’s that to look forward to.

Researchers have found that the fumes from paraffin wax – the most common and cheapest form of candle wax – can be poisonous and even cause cancer. They found that in unventilated spaces levels can build up and, over time, cause health problems such as allergies and asthma.

I wonder if the asthma has anything to do with the cigarette smell you’re trying to cover up by lighting so many candles?

“But lighting many paraffin candles every day for years or lighting them frequently in an unventilated bathroom around a tub, for example, may cause problems.”

What? I can’t even enjoy a bath anymore? No sandwiches, no masturbation, no popcorn, no Diet Coke and now you take my baths away? The world just doesn’t make sense anymore.

Candles, once reserved only for power cuts, have become ever more popular in recent years as interior design has become more fashionably.

Yeah, reserved for power cuts. Remember in the 1600’s when the power cut out and they were all, “Get the candles! The electricity isn’t working. Norman, see if the fridge light is still working. We don't want the chicken going bad"?

And, in case candle cancer didn’t bum you out enough, they toss this unrelated bonus in at the end:

Meanwhile plastics believed to be virtually indestructible decompose with surprising speed in the sea and release hazardous chemicals, scientists have discovered.

Awesome, thanks.

Although it is well known that short-term disturbances of circadian rhythms, such as jet lag, can impair a person's sense of well-being, researchers only recently began to ask whether chronic disruption of biological rhythms over the long term might promote cancer.

How bored are these researchers? Seems to me that they’re really reaching for cancer causes. Maybe the money donated to help cure cancer is actually going towards this research to find more cancer. What kind of progress is that? Kinda makes your 5K run seem useless, doesn’t it?

… in 2008, 38 women in Denmark who had worked the night shift and then developed breast cancer obtained official recognition of their disease as an occupational illness and were awarded compensation for it.

Breast cancer isn’t contagious as far as I know, so my idea of these women having any intimate breast contact with each other while working the night shift is probably dashed.

The findings of the laboratory experiments performed to date in animals and cell preparations lend plausibility to the postulated link between shift work and cancer

So, we’re taking our lead from rats who worked the night shift? Or monkeys? What could they possibly have been doing that it required a day shift and a night shift?

… yet there is still no answer to the central question whether these findings are applicable to humans.

I hope they figure this out soon. How are we ever going to get a 24 hour Wal Mart around here if all the graveyard workers are in chemotherapy? Jeez.

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The solution is easy, folks: Blame all cancer on cell phones. We’ve already vilified them enough, they’re used to it by now.

















Bam, done. Now we can divert this cancer research money into actually curing all this cancer.

I like to do my part.