Thursday, October 28, 2010

Devouring The Double Down

Last night, I got the new KFC Double Down. I had to satiate my curiosity; is the Double Down popular because it’s actually good? Or is it popular because people know how vile it is, but they have to try it because they’re fat, disgusting pigs?

(I predicted the latter.)

What the hell is a Double Down and what is it doing in our country?

This testament to American obesity - and a terrible start to the day - is a concoction of cheese, bacon and questionable ‘Colonel’ sauce layered between two greasy chicken filets. No bun.

Why? Why would anyone eat this, unless they hate themselves or want to commit a slow, semi-delicious suicide? Surely, there must be better ways to kill yourself. Check out this handy chart, for instance.

See? If you really wanted to die by gut-busting sandwich, you’d get a Flamethrower from Dairy Queen. It’s a delicious, beastly burger and when your heart gives up on you for eating it, they can bury you in the takeout box.

Back to the Double Down. Let’s check out the commercial.

“Finally! Someone was listening!” Seriously? Listening to what? Have you been submitting comment cards proposing sandwiches with no bun? Who have you been telling these retarded ideas to?

("Hey Subway! Why don’t you make a sub with meatballs instead of a bun? Hey McDonalds: fuck the english muffin! Let me wrap my mitts around two hot, greasy sausages patties!")

“So much chicken, we didn’t have room for a bun!” Then why did you put it in such a big box, assholes?

You couldn't even design a new box for it, you just slapped a sticker on an old box? Lazy jerks.

And not for nothing, but whose idea was it to cast ‘black guy excited about chicken’? First he’s angry, then he’s ecstatic, then he calls Colonel Sanders ‘the man’?

That seems like a bit of an oversight.

After tax, this thing cost $7.20. That's more than some combos! Perhaps the price is so high to deter you from geting more than one. Do you know how much it should have cost? Maybe $4.00. It was a lot smaller than it looked in pictures (And if your first thought is, “That’s what she said,” ten points.)

It also looked nothing like the picture, but I didn’t necessarily expect the underpaid line cook at KFC to art direct my sandwich (It would have helped with the presentation though. Mine was lopsided. F for effort, Colonel.)

Anyways, down to business. My thoughts on the Double Down:

I took one bite and remembered that – “Oh yeah! KFC chicken actually tastes like shit. Oh yeah, this definitely - wait, that cheese is okaaaay… the bacon is good… what’s this goo?... oh fuck, a piece of the chicken fell on the floor! Wow, this thing is fragile. Ugh, this is too salty… jeez, what a mess. What happened? WHY THE FUCK DID I EAT THAT?? Did I sign a waiver for this? I’m going to cry myself to sleep...”

How could anyone possibly feel good after eating the Double Down? It made me want to take a nap. In fact, I may have even passed out halfway through eating it.

Hot tip: if you actually decide to get one, clear your schedule. You won’t want to do anything after you’re done, other than feel queasy and/or ashamed of yourself.

Final verdict? I’d rather have a Whopper.


  1. Very nice. While I commend your self-hating activity for purposes of science, I also feel bad for you. I mean, come on, look at that thing.

    “So much chicken, we didn’t have room for a bun!”

    Who says that a sandwich can only be so big?

    "Well... that IS a lot of chicken... why don't we just put more buns on top of that?"
    "Whoa there, Gary. You know the Food & Beverage Association of America's article #3E837, which clearly states, 'All sandwiches must be no bigger than 6 inches from base to top, bun or no bun.' We don't want to get in trouble now, do we?"
    "That's good thinking, Dave. Glad to have you on the team."

  2. At least they're thinking more creatively. Poking fun at the double down is so July 2010

  3. Thinking creatively, my ass. No bun? Big fucking deal. Taco Bell's sloan is already 'thinking outside the bun' so, if anything, KFC is just stealing ideas from their sister company. Fucking posers.

  4. Don't worry about Jasihn, Rodger. He's the one who was complaining about my complaining on my blog. I guess he likes to do the drive-by "stop being such a Debby Downer!" thing.

    His blog can be found here:

    Apparently he likes to write stories about him making a meal, like oh man, I went to make this one thing, but then I ended up making this other thing instead! Or, man, I made this thing, and it totally got made! And then sometimes he'll include a recipe. And said posts, as you can imagine, are INCREDIBLY interesting and not at all boring in the slightest. They're chock full of personal opinion, insight, and they're definitely entertaining to read.

    But I'm guessing maybe that's why he took personal offense to your KFC-bashing; he's a foodie. Not everybody can be as creative in the kitchen as Jason.

    Check his YouTube page for great banjo videos.

    Also, Jasihn, making fun of fat girls drinking diet coke is SO Oct. 23 at 6:23pm.

  5. I agree with your assessment of the double down. I didn't find it as salty as people were saying, but the cheese and "sauce" totally ruined the experience. It lacked crunch. Could've used some onions or something. It was so cheesy that I couldn't taste the bacon, and I WANT TO TASTE BACON...ALL THE TIME. Anyway, I can't imagine eating another one unless someone bought it for me and wanted to smirk at me while I ate it.