Last night, I got the new KFC Double Down. I had to satiate my curiosity; is the Double Down popular because it’s actually good? Or is it popular because people know how vile it is, but they have to try it because they’re fat, disgusting pigs?
(I predicted the latter.)
What the hell is a Double Down and what is it doing in our country?
This testament to American obesity - and a terrible start to the day - is a concoction of cheese, bacon and questionable ‘Colonel’ sauce layered between two greasy chicken filets. No bun.
Why? Why would anyone eat this, unless they hate themselves or want to commit a slow, semi-delicious suicide? Surely, there must be better ways to kill yourself. Check out this handy chart, for instance.
See? If you really wanted to die by gut-busting sandwich, you’d get a Flamethrower from Dairy Queen. It’s a delicious, beastly burger and when your heart gives up on you for eating it, they can bury you in the takeout box.
Back to the Double Down. Let’s check out the commercial.
“Finally! Someone was listening!” Seriously? Listening to what? Have you been submitting comment cards proposing sandwiches with no bun? Who have you been telling these retarded ideas to?
("Hey Subway! Why don’t you make a sub with meatballs instead of a bun? Hey McDonalds: fuck the english muffin! Let me wrap my mitts around two hot, greasy sausages patties!")
“So much chicken, we didn’t have room for a bun!” Then why did you put it in such a big box, assholes?
You couldn't even design a new box for it, you just slapped a sticker on an old box? Lazy jerks.
And not for nothing, but whose idea was it to cast ‘black guy excited about chicken’? First he’s angry, then he’s ecstatic, then he calls Colonel Sanders ‘the man’?
That seems like a bit of an oversight.
After tax, this thing cost $7.20. That's more than some combos! Perhaps the price is so high to deter you from geting more than one. Do you know how much it should have cost? Maybe $4.00. It was a lot smaller than it looked in pictures (And if your first thought is, “That’s what she said,” ten points.)
It also looked nothing like the picture, but I didn’t necessarily expect the underpaid line cook at KFC to art direct my sandwich (It would have helped with the presentation though. Mine was lopsided. F for effort, Colonel.)
Anyways, down to business. My thoughts on the Double Down:
I took one bite and remembered that – “Oh yeah! KFC chicken actually tastes like shit. Oh yeah, this definitely - wait, that cheese is okaaaay… the bacon is good… what’s this goo?... oh fuck, a piece of the chicken fell on the floor! Wow, this thing is fragile. Ugh, this is too salty… jeez, what a mess. What happened? WHY THE FUCK DID I EAT THAT?? Did I sign a waiver for this? I’m going to cry myself to sleep...”
How could anyone possibly feel good after eating the Double Down? It made me want to take a nap. In fact, I may have even passed out halfway through eating it.
Hot tip: if you actually decide to get one, clear your schedule. You won’t want to do anything after you’re done, other than feel queasy and/or ashamed of yourself.
Final verdict? I’d rather have a Whopper.