Friday, January 28, 2011

Entitled To Damages: VOL 2

Why is it that, in this day and age, anytime you have a problem with someone or something, you can just sue the shit out of them?

Have you ever inadvertently walked into a mall fountain? You just may be Entitled To Damages.

ALLEGATION: Caty Cruz Marrero is questioning the professionalism of mall security workers after a video of her tumbling into a mall fountain while texting went viral.

One minute, she was texting back a friend. The next minute she was doing a faceplant into a fountain full of coins. Now she wants to sue. 

Sue? Sue for what? You fell into the fountain! What, you're embarrassed? Your pride has been hurt?

That doesn't mean somebody owes you something. Stop acting so entitled. That's what's wrong with America (it's actually one of many things that are wrong with America, but it's something they ought to nip in the bud real quick.)

She acknowledges the video is funny, but says the security personnel heard laughing on the recording should have been more concerned about her well-being.

At least she acknowledges the video is funny. If she were a mall security guard and she caught someone falling flat on their face on camera, she'd laugh her ass off too. Schadenfreude's a bitch, lady. Especially when you're the Schadenfreudee and not the Schadenfreuder (not real words, I know. Whatever.)

But perhaps she's unaware of the fact that this was a recording of a recording and, while the security guards were rightfully taking delight in her misfortune, she had probably left the mall shortly before this replay took place.

She goes on:

"I'm just like dumbfounded. All I kept saying was, 'I fell. I fell. I fell in the fountain. I fell in the fountain.'"

That's like, awesome. You fell down! What kind of response are you looking for? Are you a fucking child? Do you need someone to hold your hand while you're out in public?

Because there was no railing to protect someone from falling into the fountain her lawsuit may have some merit, lawyers say. 

'Lawyers say'. Well, apparently, lawyers say a lot of dumb shit.

I've had the pleasure of standing on a rock on the edge of a raging river in BC, thisclosetonature. you know what they had there? Nothing. No fence. No railing. Just a sign that said something along the lines of, "Take some responsibility for yourself out there or you could trip and fall to your skull-crushing, waterfally death, you idiot."

You can't be playing Angry birds on your iPhone, take a spill, and try to sue the river. You don't sue rivers and you don't sue mall fountains. You can't sue elements.

But, go ahead lawyers; put up railings around all the mall fountains (and make them regulation height so building inspectors can come around and make sure they're 'up to code'.)

While you're at it, why don't you put flashing lights on the railings so people who aren't paying attention will still see them?

Also, include speakers that wail, "WARNING! FOUNTAIN!" every five seconds so blind people don't accidentally walk into the railings.

Better yet, add a security checkpoint and make people sign a waiver if they want to walk within a certain distance of the fountain.

Better safe than sorry, right?

The mall could also be in hot water over the security personnel who laughed at her rather than checking if she was ok.

Checking if she was okay? Please. Clearly, this argument won't hold water (Get it? It's a fountain lawsuit. Wow.) This wasn't a live video feed; what would you expect security to do? File an accident report for someone who had sheepishly walked away from the scene?

Or run aimlessly around the parking lot looking for wet footprints so they could locate the victim, run an extension cord to her car, and use a hair dryer on her socks and shoes while massaging her bunions?

(Ridiculous, right? That's what I said!)

A message left for the mall management office was not immediately returned. 

Probably because they had better things to do... like mop up water that someone had spilled out of the fountain after flailing around like a jerk.

But wait! Then there's this:

READING, Pa (KABC) -- There's a new twist to the story of the woman who was caght on tape falling into a fountain while texting. 

Oh, new twist? Intriguing.

Cathy Cruz Marrero, 49, was threatening legal action against the mall, saying security was too busy laughing at her to help her. But it turns out she has legal problems of her own.

(Credit card fraud, retail theft and a hit-and-run to be specific.)

That is not a new fucking twist. That is a completely separate story and this is terrible journalism.

When it comes to the mall incident, Marrero's attorney said she no longer plans to sue,

Oh good, she came to her senses.

but instead wants an apology.

Hmm. Perhaps she should just get one of these.

And a set of these.

JUDGEMENT: This woman is an idiot.

MORAL LESSON: Watch where the fuck you're going.


  1. "How long do you plan to be near the fountain, ma'am?" = Brilliant.

    Also, it's hilarious how, as soon as SHE'S brought under fire for her own shit that she's being sued for, she suddenly decided to drop the charges. Oh really? I bet the two are totally unrelated, aren't they?

    I thought she was a teenager, but she's 49? That's even worse. You're a grown adult. Take some fucking responsibility for your actions. It's too bad the judge won't get to rip up the papers and laugh this woman out of court, but holy shit, what happened to accountability?

    Great post.

  2. HAHAHA. Oh god, this is too great.

    I thought she was a teenager too!

    Also - it's not like she could have been identified through the grainy video. She just went and plastered her name everywhere with her threats of law suits, and identified herself to the world as a moron. AWESOME.

  3. In addition to finding ME work for next week, you had time to pen (sorry, modern age - type) this hilarious post. Who are you, Wonder Woman?

    The water wings were a great closer.

  4. I also found time to drive from Niagara > Toronto > Niagara. And I labelled tapes all day. I'm such a busy guy!