Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Dearest Dr John King

*Special thanks to Heather for forwarding this important message.*

From: john king
Subject: GOOD DAY,

My Dear,

I am Hon Dr John A King. I am the United Nations Presidential Task Force Chairman for Refugees here in Ghana. I here by pass this information to you that the Member of the Parliament is looking for God fearing person who can be the Ambassador to the African refugees. The meeting was held yesterday in the castle House in OSU. Your name has been nominated So that you can be the Ambassador for the African Refugees.

I want you to forward all your details to us so that we can pass your details to the United Nation Head Office in England and America so that United Nation Head Office in England and America can put your name in the registration Book for this appointment and send you official letter regarding this appointment.

I wait to Hear from you.
Hon. Dr John A King
The Presidential Task force Chairman
United Nations Head Quarter Accra Ghana
Accra Ghana EMAIL:

From: Rodger James
Subject: re: GOOD DAY,

Dearest Dr John King,

You can’t imagine my excitement at being appointed to this amazing position! I told my wife about it and she told my neighbour and, before you know it, the news wanted to interview me about it! Can you believe it? We’re actually planning a parade next weekend. The YMCA kids club is choreographing a modern dance interpretation of my life that they’ll be performing on my float. There will also be flamenco dancers and guys dressed as care bears. It’s gonna be fantastic!

What I’m wondering is, how much of the parade cost is the UN able to cover? Contrary to what you may have heard, we do have legal clearance for the Bay City Seniors Group to do their legally blind synchronized fire poi demonstration. Also, even though I’ve assured them our giraffes are trained to duck under power lines, the hydro company wants us to put down a damage deposit ‘just in case’. You know how they are.

I’m not sure what my annual portfolio is for the appointment, but if you could cut me a check for $50 000 USD and make it out to ‘CASH’ that ought to cover it (Of course, please feel free to deduct this amount from my first UN paycheck.)

Furthermore, what type of benefits will I be receiving with this new appointment? My left molar has been killing me and I’m pretty sure I need to see a dentist. Also, my dog has been acting a little standoffish and I’d like her to see a therapist. Can you advise me on the name of a UN officially sanctioned pet psychiatrist in my hometown and when I may be able to get an appointment with them?

I’m a little disappointed that I wasn’t invited to the Castle House in OSU for the meeting. Is it inflatable? I imagine it has a slide and everything. I am so fucking jealous, let me tell you. I hope you put the photo set on your Flickr page.

The only issue I can foresee with this new appointment is that I don’t so much ‘fear’ God as ‘feign interest in him’. We once had an argument over the optimal toasting time of a pre-sliced bagel, but that’s in the past. I can assure you this won’t affect my job performance.

As for all my details: I’m 42 years old, 5’10” with a full head of black hair. I have a dog named Bethany, she’s a terrier mix. I also have a snoring problem and a mild case of gout. I like ties with diagonal stripes.

Please let me know when/where you’d like me to relocate and what kind of car the UN will be supplying me with? I know they usually go for black town cars, but would it be much trouble to get a Hummer? The H2 if money’s tight, but I won’t settle for the H3. That’s the soccer mom van of Hummers. How embarrassing.

I’m waiting with baited breath. And balloons. Tell the president of the UN I said what’s up.


Rodger James
UN Ambassador For The African Refugees

PS - I have included a recent photo for inclusion in the UN Yearbook.