Thursday, March 31, 2011

8 Crappy Gmail Labs

Gmail Labs is a testing ground for experimental features that aren't quite ready for primetime. They may change, break or disappear at any time.
I hope these ones change, break or disappear soon because I hate them.
1. Hide Unread Count

Hides the unread count for inboxes, labels, etc.
This is good for people who like to ignore shit. “What’s that? I have 450 new emails? I doubt any of them are important.” Click.
Perhaps some people don’t understand that the unread count is a notification. It’s telling you you have this many unread, unresolved pieces of mail to attend to. Surely, if you don’t care about them, you might as well delete them and stop being a hoarder. The more unattended emails that build up in your account, the more daunting a task it will be to organize or delete them later, and the longer you’ll continue ignoring the problem until it haunts your dreams. Just read your fucking email.
2. Unread Message Icon

See how many unread messages are in your inbox with a quick glance at the tab’s icon.
Oh, you mean like this number that comes up normally when you use Gmail?

Nice try. Nice stupid, redundant try.
3. Inbox Preview

Shows a simple, static preview of the inbox while loading.
Who is so busy that they don’t have time to wait for an inbox to load? It takes less than two seconds! If your inbox takes so long to load that you need to see a preview of your inbox so you can make a list of what to open and reply to when it actually does load, you are from 1995. Update your shit.
4. Back To Beta

Soothes the soul by putting the familiar beta sticker back on the Gmail logo.
Soothes the soul? Since when is this Chicken Soup For The Soul? Man up, Gmail users!

If anyone missed it, Gmail has been out of beta since July 2009. This lab begs the question: who is so afraid of change and an updated webmail experience that they decide pretending it’s still in testing phase is a good idea? Idiots, that’s who. 
5. Canned Responses

Save and send your common messages using a button next to the compose form.
The creator calls it “email for the truly lazy.” And he’s right. God forbid you take more than two seconds to put any thought into an email reply! Time is money, right? I suspect people using this are the same people who use Inbox Preview. They spend roughly 11 seconds reading and replying to all their emails before they run off to fulfill the rest of their busy calendar, including 16 seconds at the gym, a 35-second lunch meeting and – oh fuck, the day is over! Good thing you didn’t waste it replying to emails like a sucker.
6. Don’t Forget Bob

Once you pick some email recipients, Gmail suggests more people you might want to include based on the groups of people you email most often.
Holy spy through my shit, Gmail! How do you know who I want to email? What am I going to write, huh? What number am I thinking of? Nope. It was 86. Not so smart, eh Gmail? 
And if you have more than one Bob in your address book, there's:
7. Got The Wrong Bob?

Doh, have you ever addressed an email too quickly and included Bob (your boss) instead of Bob (your friend) by accident?
Doh, have you ever used a cartoon catchphrase with improper punctuation, rendering it lifeless and ineffective?
Have you ever been so quick to type something and run off that you didn’t check your spelling, content or even who you sent to?
Slow the fuck down.
If you’re emailing more than two people at once, Gmail will check if you meant to include Bob Smith rather than Bob Jones based on the groups of people you email most often.
Again? Mind your own business, Gmail. If you’re so smart and you know whom I want to contact, why don’t you just email them for me and avoid me having to sit down at my computer in the first place? I’m sure you’ll send it to the right Bob and I can continue watching Family guy re-runs on Peachtree TV. I trust you. I trust the shit out of you.
8. Mail Goggles

Mail you send late night on the weekends may be useful but you may regret it the next morning. Solve some simple math problems and you're good to go. Otherwise, get a good night's sleep and try again in the morning.
The premise behind this is that it keeps people from sending drunken, incoherent rants or booty call requests to their exes, current hookups, distant cousins or priests.
Who is Google to dictate what mood I’m in when I send an email? Furthermore, in the event that I want to send a drunk email, that’s my prerogative and, if push comes to shove, come hell or high water, I will send that email. Try to stop me, Gmail! Even if simple math problems are trouble for you dead sober, you should still be able to find and use a calculator dead drunk. And if you can’t, how the hell did you manage to navigate yourself to your email in the first place? 
Anyways, good luck with your email. Tell Bob I said hello. 

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