Friday, October 24, 2008

The RC Forklift

After seeing the joy on Mike’s face when he flew his RC helicopter around at work, I knew I had to get in on the next order from I wanted an RC something-or-other. Maybe a car. Or a plane. Or a boat, except I doubt they’d let me fill the sink to play with my RC boat at lunchtime.

I searched the pages on their site, looking for just the right toy. And I thought it was this one:

How cool is that? Imagine, a miniature forklift to carry my shit! It comes with pylons and everything! I could conveniently leave my coke on the other side of my desk, just for the excuse to use this bad boy and have it brought a-a-a-a-a-all the way back over here. This was it. $24.99 later, and it would all be mine.

Or so I thought.

“But, wait a minute… that’s odd.” I pontificate. “The video shows it carrying an empty can of Red Bull. An empty can? That doesn’t seem right. The idiot at the end of the video even pretended to take a sip from the empty can! Sa-a-a-a-y… how much does this thing carry? It doesn’t even tell you!”

And so, I emailed the ThinkGeek staff to inquire as to the weight capacity of the forklift.

And it was revealed to me that, no, the RC forklift could not carry a full can of coke. Or even a partial can of coke.

It was a complete and total sham.

Well, what the hell would it carry then? An empty can of coke? What the hell do I want with an empty can of coke? Drop that shit off at the recycling bin where it belongs! A forklift of that size, assuming if it had the proportionate power of a full size forklift, should, at the very least, be able to carry my damn computer speakers around on it!! But not even a can of pop? For shame, forklift. FAILlift, I should call you.

And then I realized what exactly we had here. Check out this quote from

“this little guy tootles around your desk, lifting and moving stuff from one place to another.”

Tootles around my desk?! Who the hell tootles? I don’t need a gay forklift tootling all over my desk while my co-workers snicker at my the excessive tootlage in my office. How do I even explain that to my boss? He'd be all, "There have been concerns of irresponsible amounts of tootling in your office. Frankly, I'm concerned. We think you should take a leave of absence."

And what kind of workplace productivity does this promote? People all around you are working their butts off to earn a decent living and you’re tootling around, moving arbitrary items all over your miniature pretend warehouse desk?

I would have told you to screw off, ThinkGeek.

But this shirt made me laugh.

and all was forgiven.

You got lucky (this time.)

PS – doesn’t The Joy On Mike’s Face sound like a gay porn title?


However cool you look as a motorcycle rider, you look proportionately uncool as a motorcycle passenger.

Except in this case, where you both look like idiots.


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