Rodgerjames: The RC Forklift

After seeing the joy on Mike’s face when he flew his RC helicopter around at work, I knew I had to get in on the next order from ThinkGeek.com. I wanted an RC something-or-other. Maybe a car. Or a plane. Or a boat, except I doubt they’d let me fill the sink to play with my RC boat at lunchtime.

I searched the pages on their site, looking for just the right toy. And I thought it was this one:

http://www.thinkgeek.com/geektoys/rc/924e/

How cool is that? Imagine, a miniature forklift to carry my shit! It comes with pylons and everything! I could conveniently leave my coke on the other side of my desk, just for the excuse to use this bad boy and have it brought a-a-a-a-a-all the way back over here. This was it. $24.99 later, and it would all be mine.

Or so I thought.

“But, wait a minute… that’s odd.” I pontificate. “The video shows it carrying an empty can of Red Bull. An empty can? That doesn’t seem right. The idiot at the end of the video even pretended to take a sip from the empty can! Sa-a-a-a-y… how much does this thing carry? It doesn’t even tell you!”

And so, I emailed the ThinkGeek staff to inquire as to the weight capacity of the forklift.

And it was revealed to me that, no, the RC forklift could not carry a full can of coke. Or even a partial can of coke.

It was a complete and total sham.

Well, what the hell would it carry then? An empty can of coke? What the hell do I want with an empty can of coke? Drop that shit off at the recycling bin where it belongs! A forklift of that size, assuming if it had the proportionate power of a full size forklift, should, at the very least, be able to carry my damn computer speakers around on it!! But not even a can of pop? For shame, forklift. FAILlift, I should call you.

And then I realized what exactly we had here. Check out this quote from ThinkGeek.com:

“this little guy tootles around your desk, lifting and moving stuff from one place to another.”

Tootles around my desk?! Who the hell tootles? I don’t need a gay forklift tootling all over my desk while my co-workers snicker at my the excessive tootlage in my office. How do I even explain that to my boss? He'd be all, "There have been concerns of irresponsible amounts of tootling in your office. Frankly, I'm concerned. We think you should take a leave of absence."

And what kind of workplace productivity does this promote? People all around you are working their butts off to earn a decent living and you’re tootling around, moving arbitrary items all over your miniature pretend warehouse desk?

I would have told you to screw off, ThinkGeek.

But this shirt made me laugh.

and all was forgiven.

You got lucky (this time.)

PS – doesn’t The Joy On Mike’s Face sound like a gay porn title?

RANDOM BONUS: TIPS FOR BIKERS

However cool you look as a motorcycle rider, you look proportionately uncool as a motorcycle passenger.