Monday, October 27, 2008

Sex Toys, Bank Robbers and Mustaches

This is the Titty Blow Masturbator.

(FYI, clicking the picture will also take you straight to the site. It’s funnier that you find out now, rather than before you actually clicked it.)

What the hell is this world coming to?

Honestly, it’s a mouth with a mini pair of breasts right below the mouth. I guess this simulates sticking your dick between the breasts of a girl who has no neck? I don’t get it. It looks kinda creepy. And it’s rubber. Not at all like real breasts. Or a real mouth, for that matter.

They wouldn’t let me test it out in the store, but I’m pretty sure this feels nothing like the real thing which, again, is titty-fucking a girl with no neck. Perhaps she gives fantastic head because that’s all she has? I don’t know. The site goes:

“Fun visual excitement combined with the discreet hand-held size…”

Discreet? Where are you playing with this device that you need to be re-assured no one will catch you sticking your member into what is basically a rubber hot dog bun? If it’s anywhere other than the privacy of your own home, airplane washroom, or confessional booth, chances are pretty high that someone is going to notice.

Another site says:

“Your right-hand feels great, but sometimes you fancy something different, something more lifelike…”

I don’t get it. Are they trying to tell me that a tiny pair of cold rubber breasts feel more lifelike than my own right hand?

Here’s an example of fantastic journalism. And, by fantastic, I mean complete pile of shit journalism. An excerpt:

“Investigators hope a surveillance picture will help them get a name of an apparent rookie bank robber. Toronto Police said the bandit walked into the TD Canada Trust branch at 389 Evans Ave on Sept. 23 at 6:22pm and passed a holdup note to a teller… Police said the robber got some money and fled…”

How the hell do you mean alleged?! There is no alleged. You have his picture. And unless the teller is making this shit up for shits and giggles, this guy didn’t allegedly do anything. He robbed the bank, plain and simple.

FRED: "Did you allegedly rob a bank the other day?"
STEVE: "Shit no. I robbed a bank. There's a difference."

See? Get rid of these stupid buzz words like alleged and apparent. Stop confusing your readers and just tell the damn story.

I have half a mind to call Crimestoppers.

“I think I saw this Bandit you’re looking for. He can rock a mustache like nobody's business?"

"Yeah, I definitely saw him. ”

Have you ever heard someone on the radio and, for some reason, they sound like they have a mustache? They must have a mustache. If you close your eyes, you can picture them with a mustache.

And then you see them in real life and, not only do they not have a mustache, but they look nothing like you thought they would? I hate those guys.

Art Bell, the former host of Coast to Coast AM, sounded like he had a mustache. And he did. But he also looks suspiciously like Linda Hunt, the principal from Kindergarten Cop.

What the fuck, Art?


There's a commercial for Crispers in which the tagline is, "That's the thing about chips. They're not Crispers." Well, there's also something about Crispers: they’re not chips!

Thanks for the hot tip, Mr Christie. You ass-hat.


    What the hell?
    I love your blogs man. And I just noticed the subtitles underneath the heading up there. HA.

  2. Who doesn't want to masturbate into a hotdog bun? (Perhaps the dude masturbating into a flashlight)...?

    Seriously, I hope they remain "discrete" - and by "discrete", I mean "not breeding".

  3. I agree with you man! There's should be a test drive for the merchandise on these sex stores!

  4. Obviously I'm joking. If I ever see you testing a Fleshlight in-store, I'm calling security.