Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Marathons, Peanut Butter and Masturbating Santa

Whoa whoa whoa.

Where does 24 get off having a two-night season premiere? Are we to believe this one episode is as epic as Titanic? I thought a premiere was just the first episode?
The second episode is just called the second episode. Like I’ve been watching a series of season finales of Prison Break for the past month and a half? Gimmie a break. What kind of jerkoff was sitting in a meeting at FOX and said, “How about we have TWO premieres? It will make our ratings skyrocket!” The problem is, they were all so busy slapping fives over the genius idea, no one was smart enough to pipe up that you can only have one premiere. It means first performance, not first couple of performances. And since I Googled “define: premiere” I got this definition:

Seriously? Is this a joke? Need I remind you Google that you and your pseudo-friend Wikipedia are solely responsible for educating our youth? How do you think people would react if there were an article entitled “How Cars Run” on HowStuffWorks.com and it was just a clip of Fred Flintstone pedaling his ass off? Shape up, Google.

Since when did peanuts become so deadly? I can’t remember any kids at my school being allergic to peanuts. Peanuts are a staple of the peanut butter sandwich, which is the staple of a kid’s lunch, which is the staple of a well-rounded recess. That is, aside from the swings and games such as Red Rover, whereby you would be challenged to break the arm-in-arm chain of the opposing team and usually end up clotheslined and choking on the ground.

Who was the first wuss to be allergic to peanuts, I’d like to know? Cuz he’s the same dick that decided to spoil lunch for the rest of us by having our favourite childhood snack banished from the premises just so he could hang onto another few days of failing english.

Who the hell is allergic to peanuts? That’s natural selection at work. Survival of the fittest, I say. So does Darwin’s Origin of the Species. Galapagos turtles aren’t allergic to peanuts and they live for over 100 years. You’re weaker than a fat, lazy turtle? Suck it up and stay away from my sandwich.

Now that it’s 2:10AM, the entire neighbourhood decided to just shut down and go off the grid.

It’s kind of eerie looking outside and peering into darkness as far as the eye can see. Which isn’t far because all the fucking lights are off.


I saw this Santa statue on display at Stanley Park Mall this weekend. I promise you, his hand went up and down in a jerking motion.

1 comment:

  1. Love the idea of the 2hr, 2-part series premier - it's so absurd. They have the same type of absurdity in auditions in Vancouver. They won't call it an audition if it's the first time you go in for the casting director - they call it a pre-screen. Then, if that goes well you get to go to the next one, which is then officially called an "audition". Er, yeah. So even though you're auditioning the first time, your not actually auditioning, sonny, so don't be getting any ideas.

    Also, with you on the peanut thing. I wonder about that every time I see a "peanut-free" label or warning about something "made in a factory next to peanuts". I think, WTF?! I don't remember anyone having any sort of peanut allergy when I was a kid... Did they all die quietly or what?