Thursday, August 6, 2009

Cut It Out, VOL 1: Supercouples

You know what I can do without? Several things. In fact, there are so many things that need to be eliminated from existence that if one were to accurately describe the amount, it would be somewhere in the range of a metric assload. Trust me, that's a lot.

I’m starting with this clever tabloid mixed-up name game. Celebrity portmanteau, if you will. I get bombarded with it every time I try to do something as innocent as pick up a giant sudoku puzzle book at the grocery store. It’s getting a little out of hand. Here are the worst offenders.

(Anyone who uses these words on a regular basis should be slapped immediately.)

1. BENNIFER = Ben Affleck + Jennifer Lopez Garner

When the first Bennifer pair split, Ben was quick to marry another Jennifer (conceivably so he could keep such a fantastic nickname.) If I were Jennifer Garner, I would feel pretty ripped off. Then again, if I were Jennifer Garner, I also would have done nude scenes on ALIAS.

2. BRANGELINA = Brad Pitt + Angelina Jolie

Don’t they have like, fifty kids? Overa-fucking-chievers. Why don’t they just adopt an entire country? I’ve heard them referred to as ‘the Jolie-Pitt bunch’. Sounds like they’re about to rob a bank.

3. TOMKAT = Tom Cruise + Katie Holmes

"Some people, well, if they don't like Scientology, well, then, fuck you. Really, fuck you. Period."

- Tom Cruise proving once again that he's batshit insane. And, for marrying and reproducing with him, I have to assume she's a little nuts too... which is a sad realization to come to after you've seen her topless in The Gift.

4. VAUGHNISTON = Jennifer Aniston + Vince Vaughn

They played a couple breaking up in a movie called The Breakup. What the fuck did you think was going to happen?

5. SPEIDI = Spencer Pratt + Heidi Montag

I pretty much throw up every time I hear anything about either of these two zeroes. The only upside is that, given the opportunity, I can use this as a pick-up line on Spencer’s hot bulimic sister, Stephanie.

6. POSH and BECKS = Victoria Beckham (Posh Spice) + David Beckham

The only British people you can hate without reason are the Royal Family and these two clowns (and maybe that guy who played Mr Humphries on Are You Being Served? He creeped me out.)

7. LILO and SAMRO = Lindsay Lohan + Samantha Ronson

Am I actually looking at this girl? Who the hell is she? SamRo sounds like the name of a robot. Which is fitting, because she actually looks kinda like Eddie Furlong in Terminator 2.


A couple of them snuck into my backyard last night.

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