Saturday, November 28, 2009

News, Sex, Raccoons and Kebabs.

When I watch the news, I can always expect a healthy dose of drama, peppered with politics, sports, weather and in some cases, a semi-attractive anchorwoman to ogle at in between stories.

What? You’ve never stared at some of those women on the local news and wondered what they looked like topless? They’re getting hotter, especially some of the field reporters. I mean, I could just watch Naked News and watch them get topless anyways, but where’s the fun in that?

Nudity and news are like dinner and dessert; I dig them both, but I don’t need them at the same time.

TAMPA, Fla. - Florida police say a man arrested for repeatedly calling 911 looking for sex claimed it was the only number he could dial after running out of cell phone minutes. (via)

It’s like I’ve been saying for years: If pimps would just start accepting collect calls from these guys, I’m sure this wouldn’t be an issue.

If your hookers need to add the charges to the bill, so be it. As it stands, accident, mugging and burglary victims are getting busy signals when they call for help because some jerkoff can’t learn to control either his penis or his prepaid minutes.

The other issue?

Basso reportedly told officers that he didn't think he would get in trouble for calling 911.

Well seriously, how could he think he was wrong? You call 911; they help you out. Aren’t they there to provide a public service? What’s wrong with asking a police officer if they want to come over and blow you? How could that possibly be wrong? What’s wrong with asking them to pick up a couple pounds of marijuana and a two-four of Bud Light on their way over? I don’t see anything wrong with that.

Other times, people will make even worse decisions when they’re horny. For instance:

A feisty raccoon has bitten off a pervert's penis as he was trying to rape the animal. Alexander Kirilov, 44, was on a drunken weekend with pals when he leapt on the terrified – but toothy – fur ball. "When I saw the raccoon I thought I'd have some fun," he told stunned casualty surgeons in Moscow.(via)

See how there’s no mention of whether or not this man had airtime on his phone? He probably didn’t. But did he think to call 911 for a hooker? No. He fucked a raccoon like a shmuck!

(Probably one of these raccoons, heading to the red light district for their night shift.)

In other Russian raccoon-related news, a dad of two has died after being bitten by a rabid raccoon he tried to stroke at a barbecue. Vladimir Turskov, 50, was rushed to hospital after the animal sank its teeth into his arm. (via)

I’d hate to think it was the same raccoon. Imagine if he was raped by a drunkard, then assaulted AGAIN on the way home? I would have bitten the guy too.

But if you think Moscow is all about Absolut, furry hats and intimate relationships with raccoons, you’re sadly mistaken.

MOSCOW - Russian police have arrested three homeless people suspected of eating a 25-year-old man they had butchered and selling other bits of the corpse to a local kebab house. (via)

It’s not so much the killing, dismembering and eating that gets to me. It’s this amateur meat salesman’s slaughter-for-profit operation. And how reputable is this kebab stand guy if he accepts meat from anyone off the street? Some guy covered in blood walks up to your kebab stand and offers you fresh meat - no package, no label, just handfuls of sopping meat. Would you buy meat from this man?

How about this man?

I don’t think I would.

It was not immediately clear from the statement if any of the corpse had been sold to customers.

The meat was probably served to customers but they didn’t notice the difference, seeing as the regular kebabs probably tasted exactly the same. I would try to boost the meat quality codes and check into the shady dealings of the kebab stand guy while you’re at it.

I wouldn’t be surprised if you found a dead hooker in his basement.

(And if you do, call that guy from Tampa. He’s desperate for cheap sex.)


  1. I love weird news. It's one of those things where people make movies out of it because, really, what writer would actually THINK, "and then he tries to rape a raccoon."

    And Pimps probably wouldn't have change, you're correct. They deal with dolla dolla billz, y'all.

    "Break a C-note? Break yo' FACE."

  2. Not everyone can be funny, despite how hard they try. You are. What really gets me are those one-liner captions...absolutely hilarious. This blog is turning into some great social satire.

  3. this disturbed the fuck out of me on too many levels

    less cannibalizm and beastiality next round

    however more dialing substances please

    -The Red Head

  4. This post is far too offensive to raccoons. I demand you take this post down immediately.

  5. I also got an email from the Russian Raccoon Rape Prevention Council (RRRPC) asking me to take it down, but we're still in negotiations.

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