Tuesday, January 5, 2010

2010: A New Year's Rambling.

Everyone’s had a few days to let that New Year’s Day hangover wear off by now, eh? My New Year’s resolution was to post this blog January 1st. Obviously, my 2009 resolution to stop procrastinating hasn’t really taken effect yet. Maybe tomorrow; there's some good stuff on TV today.

I was doing a little personal recap of 2009 the other day and checked out the box office totals for movie releases last year. Apparently, Paul Blart: Mall Cop made $31 million opening weekend? I almost threw up a little bit after reading that. Kevin James acting like an ass and riding a Segwey made almost $150 million in theatres overall.

Who the hell is paying for this kind of entertainment? To see how this cinematic equivalent of an hour and a half fat joke stacked up against other movies last year, check out the chart.

2009 also saw surprise celebrity deaths out the ying yang. Holy crap! Think of an old celebrities that have been on the brink of death for years. Abe Vigoda, Kirk Douglas, Nancy Reagan - NONE of them died!

Farah Fawcett did though, which sucked because she was crazy hot (In like 1970, but she was still crazy hot.) Michael Jackson’s death was like a bitchslap surprise to the entire world when he met his end not unlike his late – and equally legendary - father-in-law, Elvis Presley. Patrick Swayze. He did have cancer, but it still sucked. Natasha Richardson. And in a surprising last minute sweep, Brittany Murphy. How did Betty White outlive Brittany Murphy?

Who will die this year? If you guessed Bob Barker, you’re probably wrong. I bet that guy will hang around until the Apocalypse.

Do you remember Nyla Adrianna Gonsalves? You’d better. She was the first baby born in 2009. Surely you heard about Eva Violante or Randi Lynn Montford, the first babies born this year?

Honestly. After January 2nd, nobody cares right? You don’t care about this kid anymore, do you? They barely get 15 seconds of fame, let alone fifteen minutes. JD Salinger. J Edgar Hoover. There's a couple New Year's babies who made names for themselves aside from their third-page mention in the local paper on the day they were born.

That’s what sucks about being born on New Years Day. Your actual birth day is your most celebrated birthday and you don’t remember it. And every birthday afterwards is going to be shitty because everyone will be too busy celebrating New Years Eve and/or nursing a hangover to bother coming to your party.

You know what else would suck as a birthday? Christmas.

Ask anyone whose birthday is on Christmas. Do you get a Christmas present and a birthday present? No. You get a combo present. Seems like a rip-off birthday. In fact, the closer to Christmas your birthday is, the more likely it is that you’ll get the combo present. I’d guess if your birthday falls anywhere between December 15th and January 5th, you’re probably in the shitty ripoff birthday Christmas combo present buffer zone.

In case you were in need of a bonehead lesson for the day, Wikipedia goes:

People born on New Year's Day are commonly called New Year babies.

Reeeeeally? Do go on.

Hospitals, such as the Dyersburg Regional Medical Center in the U.S., give out prizes to the first baby born in that hospital in the new year.

Prizes for being born on New Years Day? That seems like an unfair advantage to people whose parents decided to conceive in April of the previous year. Am I to believe the hospital rewards people for having sex in April?

I think this ought to translate to other areas of the hospital. First person to donate a kidney during the month of March? Win a new car! Did you have a colon screening six months ago? You win – a box of timbits! And another free colon screening.

(I don’t even know what a colon screening is. Is that a thing? It sounds disgusting.)

Anyways, back to the babies.

I bet you could time your babies if you wanted to. Would that count as cheating? I mean, if you want your baby to be born on New Year’s, you rock the casbah – or both the Cas and the Bah separately – around April, then collect your baby and your prizes on New Years Day. Obviously, I’m not accounting for the chance that it might decide to pop out early but you get my drift.

These prizes are often donated by local businesses. Prizes may include various baby related items such as baby formula, baby blankets, diapers and gift certificates to stores which specialize in baby related merchandise.

Personally, I’d like to know which stores. What constitutes ‘baby-related’? Relating to the physical baby? Technically, Victoria’s Secret sells baby-related merchandise. And, for that matter, so does the Stag Shop.


  1. Haaaa. Yeah, Bob Barker will be around until the end of time. I do have one beef, though...about cats. That cat watching tv up there reminded me of something. In the pet store, the cat food it always flavoured beef or chicken. But it needs to be flavors like 'mouse' or 'moth' or 'pigeon' or Christmas garland'. When was the last time you saw a cat streak across a field and tackle a cow? Something like that.

  2. Ahaha, that's good. =)

    imagine the cat owners at the store? "What do you think we should get... ball of yarn or sparrow-flavoured?"

  3. Maybe mouse, moth, and pigeon all "taste like chicken", so they figured meh, let's just make it chicken.