Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Getting pizza... and other stuff.

I had a hankering for pizza the other day. I rarely have hankerings anymore. I have inklings and penchants all the time but never a hankering, so I took full advantage of the situation.

I send my brother a text: “Yeaaaahhhh, getting a pizza!!” because... well, what good is getting a pizza by yourself if you can’t brag about it to other people? Especially when they're going vegetarian for the month to raise money for charity and have to eat crap like cheese Pizza Pops? I can't imagine they're very good at all.

But because I said ‘getting’ and not ‘ordering’, he assumed I meant getting a store-bought pizza.

He goes, “Oh, Delissio? Or Digiorno?” To which I replied, “They’re the same thing with different names. You know that, right?”

Like Pat Sajak and Alex Trebek; it’s obviously the same guy in a mask, he just runs from one set to the other. After Wheel of Fortune, he tosses the Sajak mask, walks next door to the Jeopardy set, rocks the Trebek mask and, BAM – Jeopardy’s on at 7:30. Who pays for two different game show hosts?

To be honest, I didn’t even really consider store-bought pizza. You know why? I was far too lazy to go to the store.

I could go to the store and get a pizza for about seven bucks. Go to the store, get the pizza, bring it home, heat up the oven, cook it, wait 30 minutes, then dirty a pan and a plate. That’s a lot of prep.

Or I could order a pizza. It would be about twenty bucks but I wouldn’t have to do anything whatsoever. Here’s my prep: go to website, choose my toppings, pay, wait for pizza. The bulk of the work is actually remembering my password on the pizza website.

Considering the price to effort ratio of each, I think it’s still weighed quite fairly.

The pizza guys* always seem to get lost, even though the store is a short drive straight down the road. And even though I clearly said debit on the order, they show up without the debit machine and then have to go back to the restaurant to get it, then drive back here, by which point I've eaten the pizza and just go, "Pizza? what pizza?" They love that.

*I say pizza guys, only because I've never been greeted by a pizza delivery girl. I find it a little unfair that porn can perpetuate the myth that hot pizza delivery guys come over with a 'sausage surprise' and bang all sorts of hot chicks, while my fantasy of having a hot pizza delivery woman show up at my door going, "I have a special delivery for you, large pepperoni," and then disrobing, to which I reply, "I'll give YOU a large pepperoni!" will (probably) never amount to anything. The most we get is an attractive sounding receptionist when we call to order pizza, whom our friends quickly point out "might be a fat chick" (they've always got your back, right?)

You know where I bet they have both good and bad pizza delivery guys? Hickory, North Carolina. Take a look at their streets and you’ll see why. It looks like their city planner was either a drunkard or a genius.

You learn the road system fast I guess. 2nd Ave NW only goes east, but 1st Ave SE goes west. It's sink or swim in Hickory. 2nd Ave SW goes east, but 3rd Ave NE only goes west. Nowhere you want to go is anywhere near here. I bet they have a lot of signs like these.

My point is, Hickory probably goes through pizza delivery guys like underwear (assuming you change your underwear once a week. That's what I was implying.)

It’s okay, there’s a lot of shitty drivers everywhere you go. There's a lot here anyways. One almost ran into me the other day. I don’t want to perpetuate any stereotypes, but he was definitely definitely definitely an Asian guy.

It’s not like I’m intentionally perpetuating this stereotype. If anyone’s perpetuating the stereotype that Asians can’t drive, it’s Asians – because they can’t drive!*

*This obviously doesn’t apply to my Asian friends, any Asians who might be reading this, and any Asians who I have ever met or will ever meet in my life. Just the other ones.


Commonly mistaken for: dickface monkey, baguette nose monkey.


  1. You forgot "Jew Monkey".

    *This obviously doesn't apply to my Jewish friends, any Jews who might be reading this, and any Jews who I have ever met or will ever meet in my life. Or Monkeys. Just the other ones.

  2. I actually learned a friends nickname on the weekend is 'Ju Train'. Made me think of the Holocaust. =S