Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Guns, Onion Rings and Banned Books

An irate Staten Island mom blasted a grade school principal Wednesday for treating her son like a pint-sized Plaxico Burress after he brought a 2-inch-long toy gun to school. (via)

For those not in the know, Plaxico Burress is an NFL player currently serving two years for weapons charges. But he’s also black.

So, a more accurate description of a ‘pint-sized Plaxico Burress’ is something like:

Patrick and a friend were playing with Lego figures in the school cafeteria on Tuesday when he pulled out the faux machine gun and stuck it in the hands of his plastic police officer.

Boom! Trouble ensued, with Patrick's mom getting a phone call from Public School 52 Principal Evelyn Mastroianni saying her son had somehow gone from straight A's to the NRA.

Straight A’s to the NRA? Who writes this junk?

PRINCIPAL - “Hi, Mrs Timony? I’m afraid I have some bad news. It seems, although your son Patrick has scored in the top ten percentile in math, geography and social studies, he has gone on a shooting spree at school, spewing round after round of searing lead into the chests of his helpless classmates.”

MOTHER - “Oh my god, WHAT?!”

PRINCIPAL - “Oh, wait... it was actually just a Lego toy. Can you come pick him up?”

"I'm never bringing a toy to school again," said Patrick, whose favorite subject is math.

Like I fucking care what his favorite subject is? Why do they always add this pointless fodder? Do they think people are interested in this?

They take a story like:

A 34-year old man was found dead in his car Friday night. Police suspect it was an accident.

And turn it into this:

John Smith, 34, was found dead Friday night in his 2004 Toyota Corolla, which he bought secondhand from his brother Ted. Smith, tresurer of the local Poodle Lovers Club, seemed to have been huffing dust cleaner that he had recently purchased at Wal Mart for $4.98 a canister.

“I have no idea who that man is,” said Shirley Beeblin, 84, a moderately successful psychic healer who lives near the scene of the accident. “But I know if you don’t make this article look interesting with quotes and shit, no one will bother reading it.”

Not surprisingly, police constable Bill Erickson, who coaches little league baseball Sundays after church and beats his wife Sundays before church, said, “Our investigation is still continuing”.

Smith’s wife Alison, 31, and unable to have children because of a chronic urinary tract infection, is obviously grieving.

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Once again proving that it’s not at all about content, but how many followers you have.

Take, for instance, this onion ring.

Apparently, people hate Justin Bieber so much that they would rather idolize an onion ring. A fucking onion ring.

And the onion ring, while having near 1.2 million fans, still doesn’t come near Bieber’s 1.6 million.

It's okay, though. That same onion ring could apparently do a better job at governing our country than Stephen Harper.

I bet dollars to donuts (not sure what that means, but my dad says it all the time?) that an onion ring wouldn’t suspend parliament for its own sneaky political agenda. I’ve never actually met an onion ring with a political agenda. It seems to me that if an onion ring were to side with any party, it would be the Green Party. Who likes onion rings more than stoners? I bet pot heads would vote a donut into parliament. Or they could at least get a couple timbits into the House of Commons.

And how many fans does a real onion ring have?

Ahhhh, so no one actually likes onion rings. They’d just rather have them than the alternative. Well, clearly! Here’s a quick list of things I would turn down in favour of onion rings:

- a punch in the face
- a body cavity search by CBSA
- a blow job from a dirty crack whore (or even a clean one)

Why don’t they just cut the “I love onion rings” B.S. and just say, “I hate Justin Bieber,” like these people had the good sense to do:

Anyways, back to the kid.

This is one of the smallest working guns in the world:

Surely, the principal was concerned that this ‘pint-sized Plaxico Burress’ had cleverly snuck one in disguised as a Lego. It probably happens all the time!

Either that, or the principal is a complete fucking retard. Like the one at this school:

Dictionaries have been removed from classrooms in southern California schools after a parent complained about a child reading the definition for "oral sex".

Are parents really this stupid? Like kids haven’t already learned about these kinds of things from urbandictionary.com? They write more than half the shit on there! Never mind oral sex, your six-year old probably knows what a Cleveland Steamer is.

The dictionary is hardly as offensive as the stack of porn magazines your dad hid under his bed!

What, you never snuck a look at the positions in the Joy Of Sex book your parents had in the back of the closet? Yeah right.

"It is not such a bad thing for a kid to have the wherewithal to go and look up a word he may have even heard on the playground," father Jason Rogers told local press.

He makes a good point. Hasn’t the definition of ‘oral sex’ always been in the dictionary? If you had the aptitude to look it up as a kid, you could have read it too! This kid is clearly smarter than you were at the same age...

If anything, wouldn't you want to be giving him more books?

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