Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Who's Gassing The Geese?

It amazes me that something as big as the BP oil disaster doesn’t get so much as a mention in the newspaper the day before it was capped but, on the front page of the paper - where historically the most important stories are printed so that, even if you can’t spare more than ten seconds to glance at a paper, you’ll get the gist of the good stuff – was this:

Stop the presses! Most immigrants can’t swim? I’m glad they're collecting and sharing such vital information. I’m waiting with baited breath for their ‘Percentage of Latin Americans Who Are Allergic To Peanuts’ census (which will no doubt also end up on the front page of the paper and cause quite a stir on Twitter.)

Now, It seems to me that if this pandemic were ever going to stop, the best option to fund immigrant water safety training and to raise awareness of immigrant non-swimmers would be an annual 5K fun run. We can make t-shirts and call it Swimmigrants.

(Or we could just go on living. Whichever.)

Flip, flip, flip back to page 11 – the stuff that doesn’t actually matter – and what the hell is this?

The hell?

Let’s take a look at some of the places that geese were wiped out.

Prospect Park, Brooklyn, NY - 400 geese killed

Canada geese south of the border have become the targets of several recent mass killings, both state-sanctioned and otherwise. (via)

Wow... that seems unnecessary. What say you, Ms Bannerman, spokeswoman for the Agriculture Department?

Ms. Bannerman said the measure was necessary.

Damn. You always make me look like an idiot, Ms Bannerman.

The U.S. Department of Agriculture says about 400 geese were wiped out in Brooklyn's Prospect Park last week because of concerns they were endangering airplane flights.

“The thing to always remember in this New York situation is that we are talking about aviation and passenger and property safety,” she said. “In New York City, from 1981 to 1999, the population increase was sevenfold.”

Ah yes, we live in an age where just the mention of ‘New York’ and ‘safety’ will make any American shed their rights and freedoms (and common sense) without question faster than a pair of panties at a co-ed pyjama party. “New York safety? That’s it. We need to eradicate these flying terrorists! Get my garden spade. I’ll crack a few of these buggers on the head myself!”

The authorities have been thinning the region’s ranks of geese since some of them flew into the engines of US Airways Flight 1549 in January 2009, forcing it to ditch in the Hudson River. From 1999 to 2008, 78 geese had attempted similar suicide attacks on planes around New York City.

Suicide attacks they call them, like the geese had a meeting, were debriefed on their intended targets, strapped on dynamite jackets and declared a fatwa on commercial airline pilots.

Last summer, 1, 235 were rounded up at 17 sites around the city and later killed.

The question here is: have they caught the Osama Bin Laden of geese yet? The ringleader, the criminal mastermind of geese? If the goose who flew into flight 1549 was a young, impressionable suicide pilot, it stands to reason that there must be ranks of geese and, somewhere in the herd of identical-looking geese is the one running the show. Are they killing random geese or specifically targeting higher-ranking geese in order to get to the boss? These are the kind of questions that need to be raised at the next PETA meeting.

At Pearson International Airport in Toronto, a program is in place that uses predatory birds such as hawks to scare away geese and other birds. (via)

The only problem in Brooklyn is that the hawks would also be scooping up toy poodles and yorkies from passersby purses. Which would you rather see less of: goose poop or tiny dogs?

In recent weeks, the Canada geese have begun their annual molting, meaning they could not fly. Their capture was timed to the molting.

Timed! Ahh, I see. Operation Goose Slaughter, carefully orchestrated like a sting raid on a meth lab (Make that multiple meth labs.)

Derry, New Hampshire - 200 geese killed

They say there are about 30,000 in the state, twice as many as New Hampshire can handle. (via)

Whose job is it to count all the geese? How does he know some of them aren’t moving around? And what if he loses count, does he just estimate? I think New Hampshire is full of crap. They could handle at least a million geese, they just don’t want to.

So, this summer, federal officials rounded up about 200 Canada geese from five locations that had reported problems, and gassed the geese.

They say this was a last resort, after years of unsuccessful efforts to control the population.

What efforts were those? Did they hand out condoms and pamphlets on sexual awareness to the goslings?

While you’re at it, why don’t you send them a letter telling them not to migrate to your area? Send them a facebook message or twitter or something. Aside from the fact that they eat stale bread, geese are surprisingly smart and notoriously social media savvy.

At least in Oregon, after killing geese with poison gas, they put them to good use.

Bend, Oregon - 109 geese killed

Canada geese are being served up at food banks in Oregon state, where more than 100 of the iconic birds were gassed last week in retaliation for pooping up a city park. (via)

And, after what I can only assume was a hospital trip-inducing goose feast, at least some people cared enough to rally and whine about it.

To mourn the death of 109 Canada geese that were euthanized at the behest of the Bend Park & Recreation District, some city residents plan to hold a memorial service

Event organizers contend the killings were unnecessary, and in an invitation to the event, say individuals can meet to offer their prayers, play music or participate in moments of silence for the geese.

Play music or participate in moments of silence? You certainly can’t do both. Or are the moments of silence in between the music? I hope the invitation was more specific than the article.

"I think a memorial like this will help people console each other," said 62-year-old Bend resident Foster Fell ..."I, myself, in the last few days have been nursing a tear in my eye and a lump in my throat."

Does that lump in your throat have anything to do with the meat you got from the donation bin at the food bank?

And if you’ve been holding back tears over some anonymous dead birds for the last few days, why don’t you hold a permanent vigil outside the front doors of KFC? Not only do they have an abundance of dead birds to fret over but also, if you happen to swing by on Tuesday, you can have a feast on a pauper’s salary.

Mount Laurel, New Jersey - 18 geese killed

Authorities discovered over the weekend that about 18 Canada geese and wild ducks were slaughtered at a retention pond at the East Gate Square shopping center off Nixon Drive. (via)

Excuse me. What are these geese doing hanging out around the mall in the first place?

Many of the birds appeared to have been beaten and shot in the head, said Mount Laurel Police Chief Dennis Cribben Jr. Mayor Jim Keenan called the attack "disgusting."

"It's a horrendous act against the animals," he said Tuesday. "We don't condone something like that."

I don’t think that needs mentioning. Who condones the ruthless slaughter of harmless roaming fowl?

Cary, North Carolina – 0 geese killed

Wait, what – zero dead geese? How are they killing zero geese?

A goose population increase is causing some traffic trouble in Cary ... "Lately I've seen a lot of moms and baby ducks," Cary resident Donna Hart said. "The baby ducks and baby geese can't cross the street as well." (via)

Well, why don’t you gas them? Get with the times, North Carolina! Having a problem with an inferior species? Just gas them. Or don’t bother slowing down anymore and just run them over; saves gas, kills geese and gets better mileage! Seems like a win-win situation.

A breakdown shows wildlife officials counted 82 Canada Geese at the Regency Park Amphitheatre. That's up from 63 geese last year.

Again, somebody counted. Imagine working for the wildlife office, going into work all pumped up to catch a bobcat or something similarly exciting as long as you don’t have to pick up roadkill all afternoon... and you’re assigned to goose-counting duty? That would suck.

But at least goose numbers are up. If they stayed the same, what would the goose counting guys talk about at the bar after work? Nothing.

Why can’t we just chill out like the good folks of Cary, North Carolina? Or, at the very least, shouldn’t we be more concerned with dangerous Canadian animals like killer beavers?

CALGARY — City officials in Red Deer, Alta. are warning pet owners to be on guard for an aggressive beaver that killed a dog and injured at least one other in an off-leash park.

Sounds like this beaver is trying to work off a nasty hangover. If I had a post-tequila headache and some dogs were messing around in my house, I’d kick their asses too.

"I don't know of any other examples of beaver-dog interaction," he said.

The heck you don't! Where do you think this dog came from?


  1. The dog just above is fucked...

  2. "So, this summer, federal officials rounded up about 200 Canada geese from five locations that had reported problems, and gassed the geese.

    They say this was a last resort, after years of unsuccessful efforts to control the population."

    That's probably the same excuse Hitler used.

    "Excuse me, Herr Hitler, but, vhy are ve keeling all zeez Jews?"

    "BeCAUSE... zey have taken down too many of my aircraft!"

    "Vell, Herr Hitler, vhat if ve can just relocate zem? Or perhaps zhere is anuzer vay?"

    "Nein! Ve vait until zey shed zheir hair, and zen ve GAS DEM!"

    Also, sorry to all Jews reading this. I'm not comparing you to geese. I'm comparing these geese-murderers to Hitler, clearly...

  3. This makes me really, really sad. Geese have been around as long as we have, just doing what nature tells them to do, and they're gonna get slaughtered because they're a risk to airline passenger safety? I don't know what's more disturbing...sanctioned murder of innocent, defenseless animals or the fact that a fucking 900,000 pound jet, which manages to propel its fat ass into the air, stay aloft, and reach speeds of 600 mph (that's 960 kph for you)can be taken down by a motherhonking GOOSE. I tried to laugh, as your humour is evident throughout this expose on yet another government-orchestrated mini genocide, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. I think it's because I hit a "possum" this morning and still feel really really bad that I orphaned some baby rodents.

    Also, at the mention of retention pond...that reminds me. They had one built here in Trumann. The city council has been referring to it as a "detention pond". My dad, who's on the city council, has had to make a motion to try and force every council member to repeat grade 4 English.

  4. Also, you wouldn't see that article about the immigrants down here. The immigrants here know how to swim...since most of them had to swim the Rio Grande to get over here anyway.

  5. What's the point of killing 18 geese? Is Laurel's quota 2? Are they 800% overpopulated? I mean, if you have 500 terrorist geese that's one thing, but could they have not thrown them in garbage bags and dropped them a town over? Could they really have "exhausted all options"?


    Haha, "Get my garden spade".

  6. That's a good point, Laci. "Hey, geese... I know you guys have flown since your species was created, and I know that nature has always intended for you to fly... but we've got these people here that nature has never intended to fly, and we've created a way for them to fly like you guys, so we're gonna have to go ahead and kill a bunch of you, animals that were made to fly, in order for these other animals that were not intended to fly, can fly."

  7. I would comment about how hilarious this post is - but I think the geese are listening...