This Week In Idiots - VOL 3

It's time for another round-up of half-wits! So many idiots, so little time to make fun of them all. Here we go:

Why would you hold your own mother hostage? Like your mother's going to be scared of you?

Maybe if I was robbing a bank and my mother happened to be there cashing a check or something... that’s the only reason I could think of. At least we would have something to talk about while the cops were en route. Have you ever tried to take a stranger hostage? All they do is scream and cry about going home to their families. It’s a real drag.

Anyways, back to the story.

A 29-year-old Villa Rica man apparently expected his mother to iron his clothes for him. And when she wouldn't, he pulled a gun and held her hostage for several hours, police said. 

He’s 29 and he can’t iron his own shirt? I bet this guy wears Velcro shoes too. And a lot of t-shirts because he has a hard time figuring out buttons. Also, he doesn’t leave the house much because he hasn’t figured out how doorknobs work. I could go on.

But c’mon, Mom... several hours? Who gets a gun pulled on them and just sits there refusing a gunman’s demands? Why didn’t she just iron his damn shirt and get the whole ordeal over with?

She sounds like an idiot too, which explains why he was such an idiot. That gene doesn’t skip generations. It just breeds, then your kids and their kids get dumber and dumber until your entire family tree has the combined IQ of a coffee table and you’re having conversations with boiled carrots.

"He told her ‘ironing is woman's work.' "

That’s BS. I can iron a shirt like nobody’s business. I’m like the Vincent Chase of ironing shirts.

Incidentally, you’d never see Vincent Chase in an unironed shirt unless he’d just gotten out of a mid-day romp with a bikini-clad starlet (who would no doubt immediately iron his shirt and make him a sandwich anyways.)

Tyrrell's first court appearance is expected later this month, Griffith said.

He will no doubt be arriving in a wrinkled suit.

Elisha M. Miller allegedly allowed herself and her child to be hit by a truck Thursday evening because she was bored and wanted to see what would happen. (via)

What's all this 'allegedly' mumbo jumbo? Did she walk in front of the truck or not? This is why I hate the news. Just tell me what happened and if you don't have all the facts, shut up about it.

The group apparently was in the street because the sidewalks there make it difficult to push a stroller.

Oh yeah, it was a group! A roaming band of idiot mommies pushing their baby strollers through the street.

A pickup truck approached and she was all, "Do do do do do, oh look! There's a truck coming and we're still walking in the street! Ahahaha, we're so silly!" because she was under the influence of being a stupid idiot woman. 

Miller eventually did begin to move out of the way, but not until the truck was half a block away. Then it hit her and Ortiz, injuring them both.

Some people – I’m looking at you, Elisha - have really poor judgment, especially when it comes to whether or not to take your kid for a walk in the street. But you know what Matthew 7:1 says: "Judge not, lest ye be judged." See? there's bible verses for everything. Even idiots.

After the incident, Miller told police that Rodriguez came up to her and said, "This is what you get for walking in the middle of the street."

Good. On principle, he’s right. Stroll down the middle of the road and see if somebody doesn’t eventually hit you on purpose. Stay off the street if you don't want to get hit by a car!

(There's something you won't learn in the bible.)

LAND O'LAKES — At 8:30 Wednesday night, a 53-year-old man sat in a chair, drinking the last beer in the house. His girlfriend wanted it. (via)

(Unfortunately, it seems TJ Liquor closes at 8:00.)

Robert Edward Tyrrell Jr chimes in, “What was this woman doing out of the kitchen? Women don’t drink beer. That’s a man’s job!”

Anyways...

Breeden ripped the Natural Light can in half, spilling the lager on her boyfriend, his chair and the floor ... The boyfriend stood up. Breeden slapped him in the face. Then she kicked him in the groin, authorities said.

Over what? The last can of Natural Light? Jeez. Why don’t you just chug tap water?

She was arrested and charged with domestic battery. This is her 18th arrest since 1999 — with charges such as possession of cocaine, shoplifting, fraud and failing to appear in court, according to the Florida Department of Law Enforcement.

With a rap sheet like that, who wouldn’t be satiated by this woman’s love? Or her drug-addled fists of fury?

And not just any amputee girlfriend! It's not like she was just missing half a leg or something.

A 28-year-old woman whose arms and legs have been amputated was thrown to the floor and beaten by the boyfriend with whom she shares an apartment (via)

If she was just a regular amputee, sure; you can get away with slapping a one-armed woman because she can still slap you back, right?

Sometimes, I wonder if these stories are just made up. This one sounds like a decent sitcom.

But why would you punch a quadruple amputee?

because she wouldn't -- or couldn't -- get out of the 34-year-old man's way while he was watching television last Monday morning.

Ahhhh right, she was in a wheelchair. Or laying on the floor or something. I bet being a quadruple amputee is a pretty decent excuse not to iron shirts.

For a time, Smith blocked her from leaving the apartment

Then he realized he could just lock the door. C'mon, how's she gonna get out? Bite the door handle and wheel down the stairs? Honestly.

Smith has been has been charged with fifth-degree assault and interfering with a 911 call.

Fifth degree? How many degrees are there? Sounds like they’re just making up degrees. Fifth doesn’t even sound that serious. It probably comes with 15 minutes of community service and a half hour prison sentence.

He'll be out by dinnertime.

RELATED: This Week In Idiots VOL 1 and VOL 2.