Tuesday, April 14, 2009

A Guide To Canadian Bills

Canadian bills have the advantage of being different colours so A) you can find the proper amount when you’re piss-loaded drunk and B) so other countries will think we’re gay.


Who’s on it? - Wilfrid Laurier

When you're drunk, you know 'the blue one with kids playing hockey on it' is a $5, and that's how much a beer is.

‘Spocking’ a five is also popular because, with the right amount of alteration, Wilfrid Laurier looks just like Spock from Star Trek. That shit is funny!

I would think strippers are more profitable in Canada vs. USA because the smallest bill we have is a five. Anything less than a five and they have to be wearing a change belt. And if you’re going to a strip club where they allow that, the girls might as well take that half a step down to beggar and carry around a Tim Hortons cup for the change.


The $10 bill is flamboyantly purple.

Who’s on it? - John A McDonald

Damn, that guy had a huge nose. Since when do they allow prime ministers with such giant honkers? Look at this chick on the back…

Doesn't it look like she's staring at that family with binoculars from five feet away? Friggin’ stalker.

Who's on it? - Queen Elizabeth II

The $20 is green and I think it’s the one we would most confuse with American money, if it didn’t have that creepy old lady on it. Check out the back.

Same old lady, helping to paddle that creepy boat.


Who's on it? - William Lyon Mackenzie King

The $50 used to be pink. And it used to have a picture of Mounties on horseback in a musical circle. Nothing gay about that.

It's red now. And I like the quotation on the back: ‘All human beings are born free and equal in dignity and rights.’

They forgot, 'But only if you can afford to carry around $50s. Otherwise, you're shit outta luck.'


Who's on it? - Robert Borden

Damn, check out this guy's mustache. He looks like he's going to shoot someone.


Who's on it? - Queen Elizabeth II

Again? Who does this woman think she is slapping her face on all of our money?

The back has two pine grosebeaks on it. I don't know what a pine grosebeak is, but they must be pretty badass to get on the $1000 bill (I love how they put 'SPECIMEN' at the bottom, like I'm going to try and reprint a $1000 bill in such an astronomically low quality.)

Coincidentally, nobody carries $1000s unless they want to get shot, according to Wikipedia: In 2000, the Bank of Canada stopped issuing $1000 notes and began to withdraw them from circulation, "as part of the fight against money laundering and organized crime."

Come to think of it, that makes sense. I have never been walking around with $50,000 cash in my pocket. Who does that? Coke dealers, that’s who.

Got it? If you see anyone with a $1000 bill, call Crimestoppers.


  1. keep on blogging in the free world, brilllz

    ps I want to plow your trainer

    -the apartly toqued red head

  2. Interesting fact:

    The largest denomination of currency ever printed (in the US) was a $100,000 bill. Woodrow Wilson was on it, but it was not circulated to the general public. Instead, it was only exchanged between banks when people had to make large transfers of money, before they had wire/electronic transfer technology.


  3. Huh! who does graham think his is the narrator for global?

    Fun fact: The $100 bill has changed I had 4 yesterday and they didn't look like the one you have posted.


  4. haha I actually told him to post it after he told me that little tidbit.

    Where did you get $400? Must have been a busy corner. SNAP! Kidding. love you. ;)

  5. You can catch me every Thursday at 5pm on cable 3 in central Ontario.

  6. Uhh yeah, John A. Macdonald is the one on the $10 bill.

  7. Uhh yeah, apples are red but they can also be yellow or green.

    Thanks for coming out.