Monday, April 6, 2009

This Week In Idiots

Sometimes, there just aren't enough IQ points to divvy up between everybody. Here are four people who fell short.

4) Sub-par Sandwich Retaliation

This crazy bastard attacked his girlfriend with a knife.


The reason for the assault, cops say, was a poorly made meatball sandwich. Specifically, the cheese placement was all wrong, which infuriated Toppin. "That was the catalyst," police Superintendent Michael Chitwood said.

F’real. Bitch better not be messing around with my condiments.

3) McNugget Emergency

Angered that her local McDonald's was out of Chicken McNuggets, a Florida woman called 911 three times to report the fast food emergency. "This is an emergency. If I would have known they didn't have McNuggets, I wouldn't have given my money, and now she wants to give me a McDouble, but I don't want one." Goodman noted.

2) Genius Idea

Fortune said he had been smoking marijuana during the night and had always wanted to know what it felt like to be shot by a gun. So he badgered his 17-year-old stepbrother, who happened to be at his home, to shoot him in the leg.

Damnit. THAT close to getting a Darwin Award. Guess we’ll have to wait till next time this guy gets baked when his brother is all, “I wonder what it feels like to have an axe slice through your skull?” and he’s all, “Duuuuude… I’ve always wanted to try that.”

Probably no surprise that Paris Hilton made the top of the friggin' list.

Just when you thought she couldn’t get any dumber… actually, to be fair, I’m pretty sure there’s no limit to her idiocy. Anyways, Paris has reportedly dumped the girl who won the position of her new best friend on some ridiculously stupid reality show. A source is quoted as saying:
“They haven’t spoken in two months. All that girl wanted was the free trips, the goodie bags, staying at Paris’ mansion and the parties and clubs. She was desperate for money.”

Whoa! You offered to let her hang out with Paris Hilton and she expected to go to swanky parties? What a cunt, eh?

Come on. What else does anyone want from Paris Hilton? Aside from the syph, which I’m sure she’s doling out like soup at a homeless kitchen.

I love how they always say ‘a source’. These anonymous characters seem to be incredibly reliable, considering no one knows who the fuck they are. That’s why they call it a ‘rumour mill’. I like to think it’s kinda like a grain mill and there’s an old guy that looks like an old prospector named Smitty who runs the place and calls in with all these hot tips on Hollywood celebrities.

Smitty – “I saw Jake Gylenhaal giving a reacharound to a Doberman pinscher yesterday.”
Enquirer – “Who is this?”
Smitty – (click.)
Enquirer – “That sound pretty reliable.”


  1. Your commentary on the "Genius" idea was simply awesome.

    Agreed re: Paris Hilton. Gee, someone finds a best friend through a Reality Show and it doesn't have potential?! Wow, I'll call off my show now! Good God, does this mean the relationships on "The Bachelor" have no shelf-life?!

    Seriously, anyone who appears on these shows (especially with the intention of winning a spot as someone's mate) is an utter attention-seeing, pathetic soul. Not to mention the egotistical fuck that is on the other end of the transaction. P.S. Have you seen
    this brilliance
    from the Onion, Rajan? I think you'll appreciate it.

  2. Whoa, on like Donkey Kong! I definitely dig some daily Onion. Thanks, Monica. :)