1) Restaurant greetings - They used to say, “How can I help you?” or “What can I get for you?” A personal greeting. Not necessarily sincere, but direct nonetheless. At McDonalds I get, “Can I help who’s next?” As general as possible. Like a fucking cattle call. Clearly, I’m next. I’m at the front of the line.
Sometimes, it’s “Can I help someone over here?” as they look around the lobby, waving to anybody and nobody at once - and I’m the only one there. Are you fucking blind? Just say you. Can I help you, sir? You, the only person waiting at the counter?
Starbucks is even worse. I go in there and the guy says, “What can I get started for you?” Get started? How long is this gonna take? I’m not here for a meal. Why don’t you get my drink started, and then finish it right after that, hand it to me, then I’ll leave?
2) People who read The Oatmeal and say, “That so totally happened to me!” – We know.
3) Pointing to cross the street – I don’t know when this started. Perhaps it was when they put up those yellow flashing crosswalk lights everywhere. I see people hit the button, then point across the street as they walk. Obviously, this is to signal, “I’m walking this way, traffic! Watch out for me!” They look like kindergarteners. It’s really embarrassing.
Even worse is the guy in traffic who signals to merge and then points out the window as he’s merging. What the hell is that? You're not a cyclist. It's not even a proper signal, it's just you pointing in your direction of travel. Your blinker is your signal. If I didn’t see your blinker and I didn’t happen to notice your vehicle changing lanes, your pointing finger sure as hell isn’t gonna catch my attention. You look like an idiot.
4) Video Commentary - I hate when I watch a cool video and you hear the cameraman go, “Oh my god, I got that on video!” And his buddy’s all, “Whoa man! Did you get that on tape?” “Yo, we’re gonna put this on YouTube!”
I hate that. Shut the fuck up and let me enjoy the action. Stop breaking the fourth wall.
5. Surprise Traffic Reports - “Major problems on the highway in and out of town this morning, also the subway is down, TTC is running shuttle buses. In-town route is gridlocked due to construction. You’ll want to double your travel time this morning.”
Double my travel time? Thanks for the notice! Oh, you didn’t get up two hours early, anticipating a major disruption on your commute? You’re gonna be late for work, sucker!
RANDOM BONUS: DRAFTING LAWSUIT LETTERS
I wonder how much BatterySupport.com paid for their logo design?