Shooting For a Record

With a headline like this:

You're bound to pique my curiosity.

The gunman who survived at least 21 bullet wounds in a Harlem shootout with cops probably broke a record, a forensic expert said Sunday.

Probably broke a record? Awww, his mom would be so proud!

But what kind of crappy record is that to break? Why does it even count as a record if it’s involuntary?

(Then again, who would get shot voluntarily to break a record?)

GUNMAN: “Hey man, wanna help me break a record?”
DUMB FRIEND: “What do I have to do?”
GUNMAN: “Close your eyes and plug your ears.”
DUMB FRIEND: “Okay!”

CLICK.

"I would say more than 20 gunshot wounds is a record," said Dr. Vincent DiMaio, 69, a forensic pathologist and author of "Gunshot Wounds: Practical Aspects of Firearms, Ballistics, and Forensic Techniques."

I would say that if I found that title sitting on somebody’s bookshelf, I would get my coat and sneak the hell outta their house. That doesn’t sound like a very nice book at all.

Of course, the real issue is where you get shot," he added. "One bullet can kill you, but believe it or not, a body can survive a lot of bullet wounds."

I like how he says believe it or not, like someone’s gonna go, “I don’t believe you!” as a challenge, then wind up full of bullet holes, bleeding all over the rug and clinging to life while counting out the $100 they lost in the bet.

But, sure you could survive multiple shootings. Frank Gusenberg almost did. He was a victim of the St Valentine’s Day massacre.

When police arrived at the scene Frank Gusenberg, despite having fourteen bullet wounds, was the only victim still alive. He was taken to the Alexian Brothers hospital in Elk Grove Village, Illinois. When asked "Who shot you?" Frank replied, "Nobody shot me," ruining the opportunity to bring the murderers to justice.

That's right, Franky. You keep your mouth shut, see?

"Listen, if you make it to the hospital and you can talk, 99% of the time, you'll make it," DiMaio said.

It’s just that 1% you gotta worry about.

But I guess that’s not bad if you’re a gambling man. And you must be a gambling man if you’re carrying around a gun and getting into firefights with police in Harlem.

That shit is straight up crazy.

Alvarez's sister, Kimberley Creer, 29, said doctors confirmed they had removed at least 21 slugs from his body.

Doesn’t his sister look pissed that she has to field questions from news reporters?

"That's ridiculous," she said. "In the arms, legs, abdomen, jaw.

Yeah, ridiculous. They missed all the vital organs! What kind of cops are we talking about here? Mall cops?

... He's doing all right. He's talking."

Oh, he’s talking? Good. Why don’t you go ahead and ask him why he was shooting at the police? I bet they’d love to know.