Wednesday, January 18, 2012

The Upsize Surprise

Starting Monday, January 23, the names of our hot cup sizes will shift to accommodate our brand new 24oz Extra Large cup. For example, a large Double-Double will become a medium Double-Double.There isn't a change in the price or amount of beverage - it's only the name of the size that's changing. (via Tim Hortons)

Surprise! Time to get fucked at the drive thru, folks.

"Can I get a large double double?"
"Did you want the new large or the old large? Cuz the new medium is the old large. We just changed the sizes."
"So, the medium is large? That's too small."
"No, the old large is the new medium and the new large is the old extra large."
"So, the extra large is the old large?"
"That's right."
"Oh. I just want the old large."
"So, you want a medium?"
"I don't know anymore."

(squealing tires.)

Good thing they didn't name the new size Double Extra Large. Can you imagine trying to order a double extra large double double? Eff that.

"The response has been overwhelmingly positive," said Dave McKay, the director of brand marketing for beverages at Tim Hortons. (via)

The response has also been overwhelmingly jittery and wide-awake for 65 straight hours. That sounds pretty positive. Who doesn't like no sleep?

Some of the 'positive responses' from the article included suggestions from disgruntled customers that people brew their own coffee at home, go to McDonalds, Coffee Time, Starbucks, Baker's Dozen, or even A&W for coffee. Oh snap! Hear that, Tim Horton's? A&fuckingW. Other criticisms glowing praise included:

big coffees are great but you gotta lose those lousy lids


Now if they could just tone down the acidic taste a little.


So that means we will now see bigger cups laying around everywhere.TH should be force to clean all those cups laying everywhere from their lazy costumers.

Yeah, those damn lazy Tim Hortons costumers! You just sit in the wardrobe department (behind the bagel shelf) with racks full of Tim Hortons uniforms, throwing cups all over the place. You should be ashamed of yourselves.

I would've just called the new size "Super Duper" fun would it have been to ask for a Super Duper Double Double...haha

Ahaha, Marie! Good thing you don't work for Tim Hortons, then. I already used that joke. I super duper hate your guts (You're right. that was fun.)

These people clearly need help. But for you slaves to the mug, here are some new developments to get excited for:

Coming soon, Tim Hortons will be installing gas pumps next to their drive thru window and connecting them to their industrial coffeemakers so you can just bring a giant 5-gallon drum and fill it with as much as you'll need to get yourself through the morning for only $4.00.

And, hey! Also, look out for the Tim Hortons blood mobile, which will be setting up at public venues and injecting hot, black coffee directly into your veins. Drop on by between afternoon meetings, roll up your sleeve and recharge yourself with a burst of caffeine! $1/300 cc. No limit. Milk and sugar extra.

Oh yeah! At participating locations this winter, we'll have Tim Hortons fire hydrant dousings. In several communities, we have retrofitted hydrants to spray fresh, hot apple cider into the crowd at a dangerously high pressure. Just hold out your cups for a free fill-up! The ensuing mess will create what will later become the Tim Hortons Memorial Apple Cider Skating Rink, which will be open to the public until it melts or dogs start eating it.

But wait! This spring, we hope to have completed the Tim Hortons waterpark complex, due to open in June 2012. It consists of a 1200-sq ft wave pool, three 5-story vertical-drop slides, two intertwining tube slides and a 1.5 km lazy river. No water, though. It's all been replaced by delicious, cold, frothy Ice Capp! Just what you need to cool down in the summer heat. And get this: the tubes looks just like like giant honey crullers! Awesome, right? You'll fucking love it. Fun for the whole family (no kids allowed.)

Anyways, that's way too much coffee. Can we get those donuts upsized?

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