Tuesday, January 10, 2012

What Are You Really Saying, Craigslist?

I've been scanning Craigslist for gigs - which I thought might be film or TV work, as I'm inclined to search for - and it seems that a lot of them are just thinly-veiled ads for sex slaves, cleaning ladies and cleaning lady sex slaves (the best of both worlds.)

Of course, you can't just say, "Does anybody want to fuck me and/or clean my house?" because that belongs in the personals section and, gross! Only creepy people post there. You say, "Young entrepreneur looking for a female friend." Sounds a little more like it could be a job for just the right whore girl.

Only sometimes they're open to interpretation by assholes like me. Case in point:

Alright, let's see here.

Successful local entrepreneur who is financially independent, seeks a beautiful fit young white girl, 20 to 35 to take travelling.

What a vague, bullshit buzz word. Entrepreneur. What does that mean? You 'organize and/or operate a business'. What kind of business? You know who else is an entrepreneur? A drug dealer.

So far, you sound like a drug dealer.

And financially independant… from who? Your parents? Your ex-wife? Ex-drug dealer partners - I mean, 'entrepreneurial associates'? Sounds fishy that this came up real quick. Seldom do you meet people and they go, "Hi, I'm Jack. I have my own money!" Red flag, you coke peddler.

And if he considers 35 young, he must be at least 50. So not only is he old and a drug dealer, but most likely not well-taken care of seeing as how he mentioned his money before his appearance. He actually doesn't mention his appearance at all. He probably just slinks arounds menacingly in half-shadow like the Phantom of The Opera.

So far, we have an ugly, old drug dealer with lots of money looking for specifically a white girl (way to cut your search pool by two-thirds, buddy.)

All expenses Paid!

"Like flights, hotels, dinner, funeral expenses - I mean, nothing."

I have a flexible schedule, am romantic and kind with a great sense of humour and a great conversationalist.

Flexible schedule, AKA, "Just have to see some friends in town to exchange these briefcases for a couple questionably-stuffed duffel bags. Shouldn't take more than an hour, but we'll be there for a week so it looks legit, y'know?"

Also, I hope your conversation skills are better than your writing skills because that 'I'm so romantic and funny and chatty' line is a real douchebag of a sentence. That sentence is standing in line at a club you've never heard of wearing an Ed Hardy t-shirt.

You must be a non-smoker.

"So you don't immediately recognize the scent of us getting jacked on crystal meth."

How does Cancun, Bahamas or Jamaica sound!

Is that a question? You end a question with a question mark. You're high right now, aren't you? P.S. - Cancun isn't in the Caribbean so much as it is smack dab in the middle of… ooh, what's that big mainland country with a massive drug trafficking network? Oh yeah, Mexico! "Hey, have you ever swallowed one of these balloons?"

I am seeking a fun, loving, easy going, reliable, down to earth and well balanced girl with no dependants.

"Ugh, no dependants. Kids make my dick shrink," says the old drug dealer. Understandably. Not so much because he's afraid of commitment; he just doesn't want the hassle of getting rid of more bodies. Who wants to dig a shallow grave for your kids or, heaven forbid, your dog? Not an old drug dealer, that's for sure.

And notice he says fun and loving, but doesn't say fun-loving. In that case, 'loving' likely translates to 'blowjobs' as in 'You'd better be good at blowjobs because you'll be performing them at daily intervals not unlike a dolphin at the zoo.' But is that fun for him or fun for the dolphin?

If you enjoy dancing, dining, concerts, sight seeing and having the time of your life, then this is for you.

'The time of your life' includes dodging bullets, getting gangbanged by Caribbean drug lords high on crystal meth, then sent home with a rectum so full of cocaine you could swear you were going to deliver a baby out your ass. And don't forget pretending to be married to an old, ugly drug dealer to aid in him avoiding suspicion of being a drug smuggler. "Oh, that sexy little thing waddling like a penguin? That's my wife of many, many years. Those duffel bags? Those are hers too."

Only serious replies with pictures will get a response.

"Of course, if things go south - get it? Like us! - there will be deaths. Namely, yours. We'll need to make sure your body is burned beyond recognition before we put on your cement dancing shoes and send you to the Enchantment Under The Sea Dance, so we'll need to use your picture as reference for our level of charring. Please make sure it's current."

Anyways, I bet this was just a cruise or something. I'm sure they had lots of fun.

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