Sunday, January 24, 2010

This Week In Idiots - VOL. 2

Here's a countdown of people who've been dropped on their head more times than they ought to have, including a couple of two-for-one bonus idiots. Calling them stupid would be an insult to stupid people.

(Click the photos for article links. Also be sure to visit the original post,
This Week In Idiots.)

This one is a tie, and I’ll tell you why; first off, Hans and Alexander got good and drunk. Like, falling off your chair drunk.

Then Hans got good and horny. Drunk and horny; that always ends so well.

He unbuttoned the trousers of his friend who was sleeping on the couch, and messed around with his genitals.When the fondling failed to provoke any physical response from Alexander, Hans became furious.

I don’t like where this is going...

The prosecutor said: “He twisted the scrotum repeatedly until it broke. Then he took the testicles and hurled them from the window.”

What? That makes me cringe. Tossing your friend's balls out the window? Why are you even touching his balls? Who hangs out with people like this?

That’s half the reason Alexander is nominated. One: because he was hanging out with this sexual deviant in the first place, and two: he didn’t even notice someone had disconnected part of his genitals? Seems to me, if my friend drunkenly ripped my scrotum off when I was passed out, if I didn't immediately bolt upright in screaming in terror, I would at least have a blip in my REM cycle.

When you’re a kid, licking a frozen metal pole is such an enticing and adventurous idea. But eventually, one of the stupid kids gets stuck. In this case, it was Maranda Byrd.

"I thought, well I did it last year and I didn't think it'd be that hard to get off, but it was," she said.

If you stick your tongue to a frozen pole in an effort to show off to your friends, you’d better know how to get unstuck or you’re going to look like a jerkoff.

Long story short, she hurt her tongue, went to school and her mom didn’t find out until she got home. And oh, was she PISSED at the bus driver.

"She should be punished," she said. "I'm considering getting a lawyer, but I just don't know what to do at this point."

I love how her mom is ‘considering getting a lawyer’. My idiot kid stuck her tongue to a pole = I’m suing the school. I’ll tell you what to do ‘at this point’: spare you and your kid from any further embarrassment and drop it.

(*Honorable mention in the 'girl freezes her tongue to pole because she's an idiot' category goes to this 13-year old girl in Washington.)

Another double whammy, whereby idiots in too close a proximity to each other create negative results.

A man and a woman were charged with prostitution Tuesday after, police said, the man called them to report that the woman didn't have sex with him after he paid for it.

(This reminds me of the man who complained to police that he was sold ‘fake cocaine’. They came over, tested it, and arrested him when they discovered it was real.)

Police said Smith called the Marlborough Police Department on Monday and reported that he had paid Mercure and a third party $150 to have sex with him on Sunday night.

Wait, what's the going rate for a threesome? $150? That seems a little low. I would assume $150 would be a bargain for one hooker, but for two at once? This guy was probably just a good negotiator.

And I know they’re well-known for their ability to weasel their way out of out of sticky situations (heyo!), but I have to wonder why the hooker a) agreed to a three-way for what I assume is $75 and b) stuck around for the cops to show up? She sounds like an idiot to me.

On one of his many evenings of random burglaries and auto thefts, Shane stumbles upon an unmarked police car. Just his luck! What kind of cool shit can you steal from the police?

Stolen from that car were a Taser, an expandable baton, handcuffs, a Glock handgun magazine, a digital camera and a digital recorder.

And then he was all, “Hey, how does this Taser work?”

Williams-Allen, 19, discharged the stolen Taser and shocked himself when he first discovered it, the investigation found.

Ahahaha, YES.

Last week, he accidentally locked himself up with the handcuffs and had to call authorities to set him free, according to his arrest report. Many of the other stolen items were recovered following his arrest.

How is this man allowed to function with such a limited IQ?

A 51-year-old Detroit man is locked up, accused of breaking up a Wayne County Sheriff's Department prostitution sting by impersonating a police officer.

I have to wonder what the going rate for a threesome is with these prostitutes? I hope its more than $75. Even though they don't intend to carry out any services mentioned, they should at least have a price list in their heads. I'm sure it would add more credibility to their sting op.

The suspect, who was in a red 1994 Ford Ranger yelled at the detective to "get off the street." Officers say this is when he flashed a badge. The other man sped off, and officers say the suspect began following the detective ranting that he was a cop. When the detective revealed she was a police officer, the man took off. He was arrested a short time later by the nearby arrest team.

Posing as a police officer and attempting to get hookers off the street? What kind of hobby is this? This guy is clearly an idiot.

Police said an East Tennessee woman drove the getaway car after talking her 11-year-old son into committing an armed robbery at a finance company where she had worked.

How in the world did she think that was a good idea? You don’t give an 11-year old kid a gun! Did you let him write his own stickup note too?

The robber took $80 and rode off in a red vehicle.

Oh, he must have written his own stickup note! I don’t blame him though; eighty bucks is a lot of money to a kid.

Investigators said the boy told them he got a $20 share.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. He pulled off the robbery solo and his cut was only 25%? Clearly, this guy needs to work on his negotiation skills. Maybe he ought to confer with the guy who tried to pay $150 for a threesome?

Then maybe after the kid gets a pay raise for his risky bank heists, he can get his bedtime moved past 9:30.


  1. A very good post, sir. A few of those stories I'd heard, but some were completely new and surprising to me.

    Very well written and presented. Got that sort of feel to it, which I'm a fan of.

  2. hell, i would be a hooker for $75. how long could it take, an hour? that's some good coin. and there's no cuddling involved, fuck, i'd do it for $30.

  3. My favourite part was: "Who hangs out with people like this?" Excellent - and hilarious - question.