Speaking Gibberish With Janet Yellen

It’s a widely-known fact – or at least it will be by the time you finish reading this sentence – that I express a particular distaste for people who, in the hopes of sounding infinitely smarter than they are, spout complete nonsense. (see related entry, What The Hell Does THIS Mean?)

I stumbled across this article on Bloomberg.com about Janet Yellen - bank president, former governor, booooring – and her support for an economic stimulus. Apparently, I found it interesting for some reason that I certainly can’t recall now. It starts:

The U.S. economy faces a “serious risk” of stagnating for an extended period of time and “it’s worth pulling out all the stops” on fiscal stimulus, said Federal Reserve Bank of San Francisco President Janet Yellen.

First off, have you seen some these people? It looks like the US economy has already been stagnating for an extended period of time.

And ‘fiscal stimulus’? There’s a bullshit term if ever I heard one. Let’s stimulate the fiscals! How exactly do you stimulate a fiscal? Whatever that’s supposed to mean. Give them a nice deep tissue fiscal massage perhaps?

“The current downturn is likely to be far longer and deeper than the ‘garden-variety’ recession,” Yellen said in the text of a speech today in San Francisco.

Ah yes, the ‘garden variety’ recession. Y’know, just your run-of-the-mill economic crisis. Your regular meat-and-potatoes downturn. It’s likely to be far worse than that, apparently.

“If ever, in my professional career, there was a time for active, discretionary fiscal stimulus, it is now.”

What kind of crap is this? 'Active discretionary fiscal stimulus' sounds like a porn star action hero pseudonym.

Last month, Fed policy makers reduced the federal funds rate, or the rate banks charge one another for overnight loans, to as low as zero for the first time in an attempt to end the longest economic slump in a quarter-century.

They reduced the funds rate to as low as zero? Isn’t that a given? Zero is as low as you can go.

Everything is as low as zero. That’s where numbers start.

And 'economic slump'. Slump. It’s sounds so damn lazy. It sounds like Jabba the Hutt. It's like the sound of cranberry sauce coming out of the can.



“I am sanguine that the Fed’s new programs will be helpful in restoring credit flows,” Yellen said.

Whoa. You're what now? Sanguine?

Have you ever actually heard someone use ‘sanguine’ in a sentence? You really have to force yourself to use a word like that. Then people will think you’re smarter than them because you used a word they don’t know the definition of (they of course assume you do.)

Cut to JANET and her SPEECHWRITER in her office.

JANET – “I need a word for what I’m feeling about our credit flow.”
SPEECHWRITER – “How do you feel?”
JANET – “confidently optimistic and cheerful.”
SPEECHWRITER – “Oooh, you’re sanguine.”
JANET – “Awesome, put that.”

Long story short, Janet has no idea what she’s talking about. And if anyone ever tells me they’re sanguine, I’ll toss them off a cliff.

RANDOM BONUS: INTERSPECIES EROTICA

Enjoy your Sunday. Here’s an eagle fucking a swan.