Thursday, February 26, 2009

What The Hell Does THIS Mean?

Check out this job description I came across:

Program Manager – lead complex cross-functional projects and programs with a focus on business process re-design, and systems implementation. Works with account teams to coordinate segment trade activity sets (via Account Planning System) to monitor and report alignment to the Shopper Conversion calendar, channel/customer conflict, as well as provide consolidated monitoring consumption versus shipment trends at major customers, inclusive of identification of key +/- variances."

Now try and explain what that job is. It could be manager of a deli or something, I honestly have no clue whatsoever.

Complex cross-functional projects? Consolidated monitoring trends? Who the fuck talks like that?!

I don't know who this guy is, but he definitely talks like that.

Listen. I’m a pretty damn good reader. When I was in first grade, I was reading at a fifth grade level and my teacher took time out to read with me because I was so fucking good at reading.

In 7th grade, we had to read a book for English class and I wanted to look like the smartest kid in the class. While other kids were reading R.L. Stine, Judy Blume or some sort of fantasy dragon crap, I brought in a big fat hardcover copy of Leo Tolstoy's War & Peace (but somehow, I always skirted reading time. And I don’t remember ever writing a book report about it. I don’t know how I passed that class. I've still never read War & Peace.)

I'm also a pretty damn good speller. I used to get 20/20 on all my spelling tests. I remember in 4th grade, the new kid - kind of a punk - from Newfoundland cried at his desk because he couldn't spell. I let him copy off my test and he got perfect. From then on, even when he was beating up other kids and being a major dick to most anyone who crossed his path, we were cool.

My penmanship is pretty decent. The only thing is, I write my letters from bottom to top. And sometimes I'll write in all capitals, except for vowels, which I'll leave lower-case. I can switch it on and off at will, it's kind of odd in a retarded way. Actually, my friend Nate and I, at least at one point, had almost identical writing styles. So close, even his mother couldn't tell whose was whose. I've been told I should make my printing into a font.

So overall, based on my track record, I think I can read and comprehend most written sentences.

But holy fuck.

When I read a sentence like that job description above, my brain feels like it’s fucking melting from confusion. I literally cannot comprehend what the fuck is going on in that sentence.

Please, for the love of God. STOP TALKING LIKE THAT.

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