Friday, June 4, 2010

Dave's Brother

I got a really distressing email the other day from someone I was pretty sure I didn’t know. The subject was “FW: VIRUS COMING?” so I took it pretty seriously. Even though whoever sent
this obviously didn’t, what with that awkward question mark (like they were yelling but they weren't really sure why.)

It started:

Whoa whoa, Dave who? I don’t know a Dave, and I certainly don’t know any Daves who have brothers well enough for the name to come up in conversation and I’d go, “Oh, THAT Dave’s brother!”

Dave’s brother does ‘computer work for a living’ and has a ‘high up status with Microsoft’. They make it sound so fancy! But let’s not get ahead of ourselves. Whoever did this also 'does computer work for a living':

So there's a good chance Dave's brother is a complete and utter moron.

But, as long as he's such an honest guy. I mean... I don’t know him, but the fact that he only sends the real forwards and not the ‘douchebag should have checked your facts before sending it like a douchebag’ forwards, then I will for sure be aware. I trust you, Dave’s brother. If I had kids, you could babysit them.

Alright, on to Honest Dave's Brother’s message:

Aaah, Norton Anti Virus is gearing up! How exactly is that? Do they have anti-virus sound cannons and tazers?

Anyways, since Dave’s brother is such an honest guy and a hard-working employee high up at Microsoft, he must know someone just as honest and high up at Norton who confirmed this. Maybe the Brigadier General or something.

Jeez. Dave’s brother is all, “Send this around to your contacts ASAP,” like he can just boss me around? I don’t even KNOW this guy! “Wah wah wah, don’t open a Hallmark postcard, even if it’s from your dead grandmother!” Whatever.

But shut down my computer immediately? What the hell is it going to do, become self-aware and attack me through the screen? I’m waking up in a could sweat thinking Hotmail is going to open itself up in the middle of the night and I’m going to see this nasty, hulking virus hovering over my bed, breathing hot spam inches from my frightened face.

Calm the heck down, Dave’s brother!

This is the worst virus announced by CNN? Have you ever watched CNN? Everything they talk about is a plague, a virus, a pandemic, a destructive force. Don’t you see, Dave’s brother? CNN IS THE VIRUS! They've already infected you with their up to date war coverage and sleazy celebrity gossip.

You’re taking your computer advice from a station that would pre-empt the presidential address to get an upskirt shot of Paris Hilton? Why don’t you just have someone from TMZ take a look at the transmission in your car?

Whoa, wait... it destroys the Zero Sector of the Hard Disc? Dave’s brother, why didn’t you just say that at the beginning? That’s the most important sector of them all! That’s where I keep all my porn and half-finished blogs! You just saved my life, man. I’m sending this to everyone in my contact list!


If you remember earlier, he says ‘send this to everyone ASAP’ and at the end, when he links to the Snopes article I assume he’s referencing, he says ‘this is not new’(Perhaps Dave’s parents never taught his brother the difference between ‘an emergency’ and ‘something that happened years ago’? That must be it. This must be new.)

I’m also gonna send the one about getting a check from Bill Gates and the one about the little girl who went missing in 1997 and has since been found twice. Y’know, just in case!

Wait... who the fuck is Ken? Dave’s brother is named Ken? Why didn’t they just put that at the top too?

Wait a second... I have a Mac.

I don’t get viruses.

Fuck you, Ken. You’ve wasted my time.



  1. I'm still waiting for my huge cheque from Microsoft to come in. You know, the one that was forwarded around to people by other users instead of coming directly from Microsoft as indicated by that butterfly logo that would appear beside the subject line if it were real? I guess the email must still be hitting a few people because I haven't received the cheque yet, but when I do, oh baby! Watch out! And it'll be even bigger since I'm sure the email hit a number of people more than once, since there's absolutely no way to track how many people or different people are opening it and forwarding it since it's not just one thing, it's a huge web of uncountable people... so I'll get paid double or even triple for those people!

    I can totally quit my job soon! I'll start thinking of what to say to my boss for when I do get that cheque.

    ... I just hope they have my new address...

  2. Best. Post. Ever.

    "... breathing hot spam inches from my frightened face."

    Chuckle, chuckle.