Monday, June 28, 2010

The G20 Riot Roundup

Hey Toronto! We had an interesting weekend, didn’t we?

In case you missed the G20 chaos downtown, here are some crazy videos and pictures.

What with the protests and police abound, you’d hardly know that half of the worlds leaders were in town this weekend to discuss our future. Stephen Harper, Barack Obama, Angela Merkel and David Cameron: those guys really know how to incite a riot!

Was North Korea there? I bet they didn’t even invite Kim Jong Il (although he probably wouldn’t have come anyways, since I have it on high authority that he was in the stands at the World Cup, instructing vuvezela blowdart snipers to execute any of the players who accidentally tripped.)

I actually watched Germany vs England and Argentina vs Mexico on Sunday. Surprisingly good. But that buzzing drives me nuts.

I digress.

Does anybody know what happened at the summit? Does anybody even care? There were cop cars on fire downtown! It was like a Michael Bay movie without the suck.

I learned a lot this weekend without even going downtown. Now I know what the black bloc is. Now I know what kettling is. Now I know that, in times of crisis, the heroic bloggers and photographers and amateur journalists are out there on the front lines getting beaten and trampled for no good reason.

In fact, it looks like most of these people have no idea what they’re doing (click photo to enlarge for my bullshit commentary.)

And wow - I've never seen someone so pissed off that the mall was closed!

Sadly, his wife was sitting at home silently bitching that her husband is too stupid to get one simple thing at the mall and he's 'probably gonna forget to go', having no idea of the effort he actually made. They will end up getting divorced over this.

I've also taken the liberty to caption some great shots from Ryan Dury.

And here’s a helpful chart detailing ‘who’s who’ in the G20 crowds.

Oh yeah! A deaf guy was crossing through a police area and he got beaten and arrested! You mean you didn’t hear about this? Neither did he! Ahahaha - enough.

Check out this video:

Did you see that? This fucking guy got trampled by a horse!

What could this cop have possibly been thinking?

COP ON HORSE – I wonder if I locked the front door this morn - oh shit, I just ran over a guy!
OTHER COP ON HORSE – Just keep going. Nobody saw a thing.

Also, attention pedestrians at Queen and University:

He looks suspiciously like this dickwad (who probably torched this decoy cop car.)

Oh yeah, apparently decoy cop cars were deliberately ditched to be destroyed.

The police did not abandon their cars in the middle of the street out of forgetfulness, mechanical difficulty, or because they were scared.

Their tactic was clearly to encourage the criminal element to commit vandalism. This accomplishes the task of creating a security 'issue' so they can 'respond', also it keeps people away from the G20 area.

Now that's a waste of money! Agent provocateurs and undercover cops? What's up with those guys?

Earlier that morning:

CAPTAIN – You’re going undercover at the protest today, take this marijuana hankerchief. And wear this Che Guevara backpack so you look like one of them.
COP – Who’s Che Guevara?
CAPTAIN – Don’t worry. It won’t be a problem. Stay sharp out there, son.

Poor bastard didn't have a chance!

And this woman (@ 0:20) is an undercover cop? She looks like a full-blown drug addict! Where are they recruiting these days, Queen and Sherbourne? God, she's creepy. It looks like Slimer from Ghostbusters had a love child with Carrot Top.

There were protesters and police fighting in the streets, neither one having any idea why aside from the fact that most cops like excuses to beat people up, and most people like excuses to get mad at cops because they beat people up. Riots and tear gas and tasers, oh my!

Authoritative posturing and staged events to justify the billion dollar cost of the summit? Conspiracy, my ass! This sounds like a fucking Bruce Willis movie.

Was the whole thing a pointless and colossal waste of time and money, used to divert our attention from the real issues (going on, ironically, behind the scenes)? Certainly.

But that's good entertainment, I say. How often do you see a cop car on fire? Never. How often do you see three cop cars on fire? Never. How often are you Bruce Willis? Never.

And so went the windows of coffee shops, restaurants, clothing stores, cell phone stores and every bank for blocks. But who's going to pay for all this damage? The federal government (apparently.)

Also, this police squad gets the G20 award for Best Comedic Timing In A Riot Video (Lead Role.)

Long story short: if you ever wanted to get out your aggression on a cop who pulled you over and gave you a ticket for something stupid like not wearing your seatbelt, last weekend was your chance.

At least here in Toronto. Apparently, they do this every weekend in Montreal.

TL;DR – The G20 sucked.


Apparently, someone thought it was a good idea to drive down into the Spadina streetcar loop?

I've always wanted to do this. I would just take the short turn back to the street, not enter the station and try to pick people up.


Speaking of annual gayness, Pride Week kicks off this weekend in Toronto.


  1. Excellent, excellent post, sir. Bravo.

  2. Finally! Finally I understand what was going on there!

    And so glad Captcha's have finally gotten over their homophobia and support the parade. Now if someone could just deal with that "Eat the poo poo" dudei n Uganda. Or, perhaps, they'll just play the auto-tune remix at the pride parade. That would be fun.

  3. hahaha! Sadly, I won't be in town this weekend but I would love to hear that remix.

  4. Great post. You should apply to be a writer for Cracked magazine or something. :P

  5. Your commentary was mildly amusing.

    Were fake cop cars really planted to incite vandalism? Cause that's awesome.

    Also, we are we hating on cops all of a sudden. Have we forgotten that police officers occasionally get shot at, and are the main deterrent against MURDER and stuff? Have we forgotten how much mall jobs sucked? Getting LAMBASTED by cuntard customers who were having a bad day? Go set Parliament on fire, leave MY fucking city alone.

    Seacrest out.