Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Now You Know: Steve Driver

'Now you Know' is a (not-so) exciting new post, in which I'll touch on a recent news story about someone who, had they not been so stupid/crazy/funny/etc, you would have never heard of them. Let's go.

Up this week is an actor from Porn Valley (who was coincidentally fully clothed and nowhere in the vicinity of a woman for his 15 minutes of fame.)

LOS ANGELES – Police are looking for a porn actor suspected of killing a colleague and injuring two others with a sword that was used as a movie prop.

That doesn’t sound like a movie prop... aren’t movie prop swords are all bendy and stuff? This sounds more like a real sword. And what possible scenario are you re-enacting in sex form that you’re required to use a sword? A Knights of the Round Table gangbang?

(There's something to spice up your next LARPing session.)


Stephen Hill, 34, fled in an SUV with the weapon after Tuesday night's attack at Ultima DVD Inc.'s production center and tape warehouse in Van Nuys, where he had been living, Detective Joel Price said.

Oh, he was living in the warehouse. Probably safe to say that his DVD sales weren’t doing too well, I guess?

"There was no indication that things were going to get violent, there was nothing that provoked this attack, but at some point Stephen chose to arm himself with what can be best described as a sword," Price said. "He then used that sword against those three victims."

So, was it a sword or not? Are they sure it wasn’t a sharp dildo? Like, maybe a glass one? From far away, a long, sharp dildo could ‘best be described as a sword’.

The victims were not well-known porn stars.

Whew! Good thing! I don’t know what I’d do without new videos from Aurora Snow (Although, to be fair, many of these female porn stars have been stabbed by several men and walked away from the ordeal relatively unscathed. See 'Knights of the Roundtable gangbang'.)

A witness to the attack also lived in the building, sleeping in a studio furnished as a bedroom.

The witness, who also lived in (or behind) the warehouse then went on to say, “Hey man, how much change you got on you? Wanna spare a few bucks for a cheeseburger? Help a brother out, you know?”

So, dude split. And who would blame him? He had enough trouble dealing with a suitable home and stable employment... now he had to deal with disgruntled co-workers? Forget that. I’d bail too.

Shortly after, the police found him.

A porn actor suspected of fatally stabbing a former co-worker and wounding two others during a violent rampage died Saturday after he jumped off a cliff following a dramatic, daylong standoff with police in which he threatened to kill himself with a samurai sword.

(Okay, so it was a sword.)

It was not known whether the sword was the weapon used in Tuesday's attack.

No, he probably had an extra sword lying around. I usually do.

The idea of placing a large inflatable mattress at the base of the cliff was rejected by fire officials as unworkable given the rough, steep landscape, Albanese said.

Maybe the fire officials didn’t like his movies? Or the fact that they had to use their credit cards to access the sites to even see his movies, instead of using free sites like a normal person? (That would piss me off too.)

Investigators are trying to determine if Hill was angry with his colleagues after being informed that he was being fired from his job and evicted from his living quarters.

Investigators are also trying to determine whether or not Steve was in fact a black man (results should be in soon) and, furthermore, what they hell they were doing in such a career with such shitty deduction skills.

It sounds like he might have been a little miffed, yeah. Maybe. I don’t want to jump to any conclusions, but there was something a little ‘off’ about him. Like that time he killed a guy and jumped to his own death? He must have been upset about something!

Maybe it was just shitty coffee. Who knows?

PS – The porn star that died in the stabbing was named Tom Dong.

(Picked that one right out of a hat, didn’t he?)


I'll assume this was a hilarious accident?

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