*If you'd like me to check out a WTF Infomercial, share it in the comments. Also, be sure to check out WTF Infomercial - The Snuggie and WTF Is The Seal Pelt.
The latest in what is sure to be a string of WTF Infomercials? The Slap Chop, starring Vince Shlomi (lol, Shlomi...)
"You’re gonna be in a great mood all day cuz you’re gonna be slapping your troubles away with the Slap Chop."Eviction notice? Creditors calling? No problem. Just go in the kitchen and commit violent acts of abuse towards your vegetables. Beat the living shit out of some carrots. Like Vince when he slapped that hooker, remember?
I wonder how the meeting at head office went when they heard about that.
EXEC 1 – Our pitchman Vince has been arrested for assaulting a prostitute. You know what we need to do?
EXEC 2 - Fire him immediately?
EXEC 1 - No. We need to market a product around it. Something about punching or slapping prostitutes...
EXEC 2 - How about the Slap Chop?
EXEC 1 – Okay, we’ll leave out the prostitute part.
"This tuna looks boring. Stop having a boring tuna. Stop having a boring life."So that’s what my problem has been? All this time, I thought I was a deadbeat. Turns out I’ve just been eating shitty tuna.
"You’re gonna love my nuts."You totally heard him say that, right? Like, they let him say that on TV? About his nuts?
"It’s so easy. One finger. Kids can do it."Did Vince from ShamWow just say, “Kids can finger my nuts?”
And see how he effortlessly tossed that crappy chopper into the sink? I bet that was like, the 63rd take.
"Deaya go, de-skins the gahlic. Da onions, wit da skin. It’s makin you cry, it’s makin me cry."
You’re making me cry, Vince. Why don’t you do us all a favour and use the Slap Chop on that yappity-trap face of yours?
"The skin comes right off."As if saying it and showing it wasn’t enough, they have to let you know which part is the skin by pointing at it with a giant arrow.
I bet they would have used braille too, had it been effective for the medium.
"We’re gonna make America skinny again, one slap at a time."This infomercial just keeps getting more offensive. We already know he beat up a hooker.
By the way, did anyone get a good look at this girl? Judging by her past booking photos (and that’s a terrible way to start a sentence), she wasn’t half bad.
And then Vince made her not only look half bad, but pretty much all the way bad.
Apparently, that was the first step in his new venture. Kitchen appliances, hookers. Whatever. Just slap whatever you feel like slapping. I actually think this is a good idea. Kinda like the 'shoulda had a V8' commercials. Next time you see a fat American, just walk up and slap them right in the face. Tell them Vince from Shamwow sent you.
(Unless they’re a hooker, then just do the right thing and walk away.)
"We’re gonna give you the Graty for cheese."What? Graty? Dumbest name I’ve ever heard. Obviously, the result of another bullshit meeting.
VINCE - “What does that thing do?”
GRATY DESIGNER - “It grates.”
VINCE - “Let’s call it the Graty.”
GRATY DESIGNER - “Are you fucking high, Vince?”
"Tacos, fettuccini, lunguini, martini, bikini."What the hell, man? What does this even mean? Are you just rhyming words? I think you’re just Dr Seussing the shit out of your customers, hoping that they’ll get so confused they go, “Fettuccine? Linguini? Okay fine, I’ll get one.” And I have my doubts that you can slap either a martini or a bikini outta that thing, but I’d like to see you try.
"Call now, in the next 20 minutes – cuz you know we cant do this all day."Beware of imitators, it says. What imitators? The Karate Chopper, endorsed by Chuck Norris?
Wait, this commercial is live? Whoa, I only have 20 minutes! I can imagine the woman who calls in 21 minutes later. “Oh god, did I miss the deadline? Please, my watch is slow. Can I still get the free Graty?”
In the wake of Billy Mays death, is this all we have left? I weep for the future. And the present.
Screw you, Vince.
NOT-AT-ALL RANDOM BONUS: SLAP CHOP REMIX
If you made it this far, you certainly deserve to enjoy the Slap Chop Remix.