Apples, Porn and Pepsi Wars.

I went to the Apple store to get a pair of headphones the other day. Good luck trying to pay for anything in there. They have tables full of iPod and computer displays, all being used by kids who are too poor to afford them. And a Genius Bar at the back, being used by people who are too stupid to load music on their new iPod. No cash register.



I had to ask the girl at the front door. "This might sound like a dumb question but... where do I pay for these?" She was wearing an orange shirt, but told me that anyone in a light blue shirt could help me out. She was careful not to just say “blue” because the dark blue shirts are reserved for the Apple genius dudes, who are apparently so adept at working all Apple products and peripherals that, not only will they not cash you out, you can’t even look them in the eyes without incurring some sort of personal wrath from Steve Jobs.

They ought to hand you a legend at the door. For anyone going in the near future, here's a helpful chart.



And from Douchebag Central, Larry Flynt (owner of such classy men’s publications as Hustler and its little-known but remarkably similar offshoot, Girls Next Door Showing Really Close-Up Pictures Of Their Downstairs Regions) and Joe Francis (owner of the Girls Gone Wild franchise, also answers to “arrogant dickface sleazebag”) are jumping on the bandwagon and asking Congress for a financial bailout for the porn industry.



Seriously? Come on already, dickbag twins. Give it a rest. For one, uhh… who the fuck needs a gold wheelchair?!

“The take here is that everyone and their mother want to be bailed out from the banks to the big three… The porn industry has been hurt by the downturn like everyone else and they are going to ask for the $5 billion.”

The five billion, he says. Like it’s already owed to them? It sounds like a line from Seinfeld. Jerry comes in and goes, “Really? You’re gonna ask for the five billion?”
And Larry Flynt goes, “We’re asking for the five.”
Jerry - “The big five?”
Larry - “The big five billi-on.”
Jerry – “Wow. Five.”
Larry – “Yep.”



…the industry leaders said the issue is a nation in need. "People are too depressed to be sexually active," Flynt said in the statement. "This is very unhealthy as a nation. Americans can do without cars and such but they cannot do without sex."

I doubt anyone wants to know that they were the product of two people fucking because there was an economic depression.

You wonder why Congress can’t get down to serious issues like national health care when dickbags like this are whining about a couple of fuck videos?

I’ve sent a formal request to Parliament for a federal bailout. For me, personally. Just for my OSAP debt. It’s only a few thousand. I asked for like, a million.

(Just in case, y’know?)

I was at Tim Hortons this morning and asked for a Diet Coke. Some places serve Pepsi and some places serve Coke. Tim Hortons happens to serve Pepsi so, even though I asked for a Coke, she gave me a Pepsi. Without saying something along the lines of, “Sorry, we don’t have Coke. Is Pepsi okay?” Because, even though they taste exactly the same, I want to go, “Pepsi? Eww. Shit no,” just once.

Are they out of line to assume I’ll accept a substitute? Or am I out of line for assuming they should tell me what they offer? Or are we both idiots? Or maybe I’m just the idiot? Like, Taco Bell and KFC have Pepsi. I think Harvey’s does too. But both McDonalds and Burger King, rival fast food joints, have Coke. And, unless they have posters on the wall, you can never guess what sit-down restaurants like Boston Pizza or Swiss Chalet have.

Or maybe, fuck both Pepsi and Coke for dividing all of my favourite restaurants so I have to guess which one to ask for?

These are the kind of thoughts that keep me up at night.

RANDOM BONUS: QUESTIONABLE GEOMETRY

Why do I need four satellites to triangulate a GPS? Triangulate. A triangle has three sides. Someone tried to explain this to me but I was too stupid to understand what he was saying.

ANOTHER RANDOM BONUS: ASHLEY TELLS JOKES

Q: What do you call it when one giraffe going one way intersects a giraffe going the other way?

A: A giraffic jam.