Nobody comes to my door anymore.

And, frankly, I’m concerned.



Are all the Girl Guides dead? Why haven’t I see any cookies in like, five years?




God, I miss the vanilla ones. My kingdom for a vanilla Girl Guide cookie (probably fair to mention my kingdom includes a lot of dirty laundry and a couple burnt out lightbulbs.)

And what happened to the Jehovah’s Witnesses? Do they just leave a few copies of The Watchtower at the Laundromat now and call it day?



No stray pizzamen. I don’t even see the Avon lady anymore. Or fundraisers. Or those college painter kids. No insurance or vacuum cleaner salesmen either.

Don’t you miss the days where a guy would come and do a demonstration in your home? Do they still do that? Maybe you know someone who had the door-to-door knife salesman job. I think a friend of my sister’s did once.



Where they would tote fancy-looking knives around in a velvet-lined briefcase, and they had to try to convince you of their superiority to your current knives by highlighting exciting features like the ‘handle’ and the ‘blade’. And the fact that they came in a velvet-lined briefcase.

Confused homeowner - "Why are your knives better than the ones I already have?"
Knife salesman - "Our knives have a much deeper stab than most knives. Deeper than the leading national knife by twelve percent. And did I mention how shiny they are?"
Confused homeowner's wife - "Joe, can I see you in the kitchen?... (whisper yelling) Why the fuck did you let that knife salesman in our house?!"
Knife salesman, to himself - "Saaaaay... these people have some really nice stuff..."

Whatever happened to the days when strangers would openly allow you into their home with a shitload of knives?



Oh yeah.

Hey, when it's dark out and you're driving past a church, doesn't "Worship 11 AM" on the church signs look like it says "Worship HAM"?



Oh, completely and entirely off-topic of knives and ham... can I just say that Iron & Wine's Boy With A Coin music video is really crazy sexy?



Just the dancing parts, I mean. The bearded parts I can do without.

RANDOM BONUS: SONGS WITH THE WORD 'SUGAR'



RANDOM BONUS II: EFF YOU, 649.

Why do they always say, "Here are the unofficial lottery results." What the hell do they mean unofficial?! Do they intend to change the numbers after I check my ticket?