Monday, January 5, 2009

Welcome To Your Favourite Coin Laundry

The shitty part is, it’s not my favourite coin laundry, it’s the only one within walking distance to my house. The shittier part is, there’s a company that makes doormats that say "welcome to your favourite coin laundry".

If someone asked me what I did for a living and my response was, “I design, manufacture, install and maintain welcome mats for the coin laundry industry,” I would most certainly hang myself.

Anyways, it’s a pretty good place to chill out and do laundry. Pretty boss line-up of dryers.


There are ten dryers running and there are only three people in here. I’m one of them and my clothes are in the washer. So, whose dryers are these? Did someone go for a walk or a smoke and just leave their laundry unattended? I don’t know if I could do that. I know some girls are probably worried that if they leave their laundry unattended, some creepy dude will sneak in and steal their underwear, just as I’m afraid there is a creepy woman that will come in and snatch my boxer-briefs. And I’m sure she lives in my area.

There are two change machines in the corner.

I feel sorry for the change machine on the left. It’s right beside the wall and no one ever bothers to use it until the other one is empty and goes out of order because they’re too lazy to lean the extra foot.

The ATM is also chained to the candy machines.

So, if you want to steal the ATM, you’d better be ready to steal the candy machines too. Probably best to bring a couple friends to help you carry everything.

This exit button was conveniently put in so people in wheelchairs could just press it and have the door open automatically.

Unfortunately, it’s installed at the regular height of a light switch and can’t be reached by someone sitting in a wheelchair.

The vending machine is stocked with quality snacks...

but as mentioned in a previous blog, the A1 button doesn’t work. Those Doritos have been sitting there for ages and the guy who stocks the machine must see that it’s full and just assume that nobody likes Doritos.

And hey, vending machine stock guy! Hank is your name? Hank, Can you either change your display cans or pay attention to what you’re loading into the machine?

I fully expected Strawberry Passion Awareness and instead got this purple conglomeration of tropical fruits. It’s not that the purple Fruitopia wasn’t delicious, I was just a little surprised and disappointed that I didn’t get what I assumed I paid for.

And wait a second, Hank. I got this bag of Au Gratin chips from the vending machine...

... and there were like ten chips in there, all snuggled together at the bottom of the bag.

This isn’t worth fifty cents, let alone the full dollar you charge for it. Just saying, I kinda got ripped off there too.

After I moved my laundry to the dryer, I walked outside for a minute so I could pretend to strum a guitar and sing along to Tori Amos’ Programmable Soda without odd looks from people who were innocently trying to fold their t-shirts and somehow got roped into being an audience for my one-man show. I saw this mailbox and the letters on it said NO JUNK MAIL OR FLYERS PLEASE.

Well, damned if it didn’t say JUNK MAIL YES PLEASE by the time I went back inside.


When I take my shirts out of the dryer to fold them, they always have this little fold on the bottom seam that, no matter how hard I jerk them, doesn’t want to right itself and I end up having to reach down and untuck it, ultimately ruining the perfect folding grip I had on the shoulders.

I tossed this lonely sock in the garbage.

Where did this one sock come from? I personally fold the socks into pairs, and then oversee the transportation of all laundry from the basket to the washer and the washer to the dryer. And I haven’t left the room. So how the fuck did I lose a sock?!

That’s pretty much it. Next time, we’ll go on a tour of the grocery store.


It's January 4th. Why isn't egg nog on sale yet?

I went for groceries today and it was still full price. Don't they realize that shit expires soon? Like hell I'm going to pay full price to drink expired egg nog.


  1. I was just asking around the other day if anyone knoew where i could get a candy machine and an ATM thank you..I think i will stop by that laundry mat

  2. Don't worry about the egg nog. There are enough preservatives in that shit to last forever. Ok, maybe not. But I know who has a new favorite coin laundry!!!

    I think you are a very keen observer. Satirical...good at bringing to light the stupid things we humans do and think. Then sometimes I just think you're fucking funny.

    PS I have your missing sock.

  3. You'll be hearing from my wardrobe's attorneys. Please prepare a list of demands in exchange for our missing sock brother. :(