Monday, February 2, 2009

Matt Has Babies!

I know yesterday, I joked about being a dad. Which makes today's news kind of funny.

I was invited to a Superbowl get-together by a buddy from work, and was all set to get drunk. And I get woken by a text message from him this morning. “So, about that superbowl party… the babies decided to come early – two girls!”

His wife gave birth to twin girls today. Superbowl babies? Hell yeah! That's the best kind of baby: Endorsed by the NFL.

A little earlier than they expected, though. I can just imagine those babies sitting around in the womb, bored out of their minds and one of them looks at her watch and is like, “Fuck it. Let’s get outta here.”

So, congratulations, Matt! But, according to the dickbag in this article, you ought to get a vasectomy now.

COUPLES who have more than two children are being “irresponsible” by creating an unbearable burden on the environment, the government’s green adviser has warned.

What kind of job does this guy have? Telling people that they’re polluting the economy by having sex? Your job is to ask people to stop fucking? That’s the shittiest job in the world.

But nothing compares to this woman in California who had octuplets – eight babies.

You know how long she was in labour? You would think like, 50 hours right? Not even.

Five minutes.

Shot eight of those suckers out in five minutes. But, come to find out, it’s probably because she’s had so much practice. She has six other kids at home!

And somebody is all, “waitatick… how the hell did you have eight babies?” and discovers she had taken fertility drugs and they were all from in vitro fertilization.

Who the fuck stuck this woman with eight baby needles? What kind of ethically muddy science experiment is this?!

Parkland, Fla.-based psychologist and author Judith Horowitz is all, "This woman could not comprehend the ramifications of having eight children of the same age at the same time. After Pampers stops delivering the free diapers, then what?"


I saw this sign on the counter at a McDonalds in Edmonton last week.

Really? Show me someone who is inconvenienced by having to wait an extra few weeks to start a new McDonalds toy collection. Someone who marked the release date on their calendar and had to scratch it out, and is now moping around until February 24th.

I want to kick that person square in the nuts.


  1. I can't believe that someone would say having more than one baby is irresponsible. Do we live in America or China? What the hell? It's like Ingrid Newkirk, the head of PETA, saying that you can't be a "meat eating environmentalist", because when you eat beef you are supporting the cattle industry, who has lots of cows and those cows shit and fart outdoors and contribute to massive amounts of methane being released into the atmosphere and causing global warming and holes in the ozone layer.

    We're all fucked anyway, so lets eat as much beef and make as many babies as we can.

    Although stupid people should have vasectomies. Or ugly people. But congrats Matt. Sorry you didn't get to get drunk.

  2. FOLLOW UP: Totally immature moment to follow----
    So when I was typing the above comment, I googled my spelling of vasectomy just to make sure I'd spelled it right, and the first listing that came up was the wikipedia listing. So after I posted it, I got bored and just clicked that link. Then the word SCROTUM was a link, so I clicked it, and look what I found!! Is this not the ugliest thing you've ever seen?! And look at the goddamn resolution! WHO on earth needs to see something like that in THAT much detail on Wikipedia?

  3. it's true though, the whole environmental aspect of large families; what with carbon footprints etc the larger the family the worse it gets. not to mention the whole over population thing.

    if people really WANT to have retarded amounts of offspring and can find the means to deal with it and raise them right and still manage to offset their impact on our environment then go for it! if you can find some woman willing to destroy her body over and over and over again (i kid a lil)then kudos to you!

    although i would NEVER recommend stop fucking, just wrap it up! duh! lol

  4. There are other things you could do with it, but they usually end up on the internet.