Monday, February 9, 2009

Stupid iPhone Apps

I’m thinking of getting an iPhone. The price doesn't really bother me. What really bothers me is some of the useless, pointless, ridiculously retarded apps that you can download or - for people whose intellect is lower than their shoe size - actually spend money on.

Here's a list of stupid apps that I've run across so far (Rest assured there will be more.)

The coins in iPhone will flip just like real coins flipping in the air. You can even use your iPhone to toss a coin with the same gesture as tossing a real coin!

Fantastic, because who carries coins anymore? Without this app, people might be forced to flip their credit cards!

The coins are beautiful, making you feel better than tossing real coins.

Yeah, eww. Who wants to flip a dirty old quarter that’s been in your pocket all day? Those aren’t even good enough to give to homeless people when they ask you for money because you always say no, even though you clearly have change you’re not using for other things (like flipping.)

MAIN FEATURES – 6 unique clock styles, each with portrait and landscape modes giving a total of 12 clocks.

How many clocks do you need to see at once to be able to tell the time? My maximum is one.

I guess that ties with...

...which gives you several exciting analog clock themes to choose from, with Large and easy to read time display.

Guess what else has a large and easy to read time display? A clock. Perhaps you’ve seen one on a wall. Or on the main screen of your fucking iPhone.

Sensi Dial allows you to dial your friends and family by performing a sequence of gestures. With a series of taps and swipes, you can make calls to your favourite people!

I have this feature on my phone too. It’s called pressing buttons. They have numbers on them.
And what if I want to call someone I hate? For the express purpose of telling them how much I hate them and wish they were dead, or at least gravely injured? Sesni Dial makes no mention of those people.

I don’t have a problem with this app, aside from the fact that their icon looks like a fat woman in a thong. But I guess that becomes less of a problem the more you drink.

Fun to use when you need to pass a note whether it’s in a classroom, business meeting, a quiet library, or a noisy bar. Moodie Messenger is the best way to communicate with other non-iPhone owners. It’s as easy as passing or showing your iPhone to someone.

Aside from the fact that everyone hates those fucking emoticons, especially the ones in pop-up ads that go, “Hellloooo-oooo!” and scare the shit out of you when everything is otherwise quiet... whatever happened to talking? And what the fuck are you doing passing notes like a fifth-grader when you’re in a business meeting? Straighten your tie, get back to work, and be lucky you still have a paycheck.

It provides a valuable service of having a message placed on your own background wallpaper, so if a good Samaritan finds your phone, they can find you, even if it is locked.

And in the likely event that it’s found by someone who wants a free iPhone, you’re fucked.

Here’s an app to help you stay out of trouble and add a bit of fun. With the press of a button, the app will randomly select someone from your custom list of Friday Night Friendly Contacts and initiate the call, one less decision you need to worry about.

With the press of a button, you will probably also contract any number of STDs. Being a dirty slut has never been easier!

This funny prank is fully interactive and acts like a real electric shaver.

Oh, hey! It looks like you’re shaving in public! Funny for about two seconds, until the novelty wears off and everyone in your office thinks you’re an idiot for continuing to pretend to shave and laughing at your own stupid “oops, I missed a spot” joke.

*The only saving grace for this app would be if it was actually fully interactive and shoving the iPhone down my pants would yield a mess of curly digital hair caught in the razor.

The dancing banana has become something of an American icon. Peanut Butter Jelly Time has been seen most recently on The Hit TV Show Family Guy and has spread virally across the net for nearly a decade now. Use this app to amuse yourself and entertain your friends.

If you and your friends are stupid monkeys. Most recently on an episode of Family Guy… like what, five years ago? Fuck. Anyone who has this app should be ashamed of themselves.

Try to guess what this one is.

…it is sure to generate laughs and envy as you show your berry-toting friends what can only be done on an iPhone or iPod Touch!

“Hey Blackberry-using friend, can you pop zits on your Curve? No? HAHAHAHA!! Now who’s the loser?”

By "laughs" and "envy", I’m sure they mean "disgust" and "social outcast".

I didn't have nearly enough room to include every single one of the fart machine apps. An iTunes search for “fart” yielded almost 100.

Grow the hell up, would you? If you want a laugh from a fart, nothing's funnier than a real fart. Unless it's denying a real fart that is clearly yours while trying to keep a straight face.


  1. This is my favorite blog so far. I love it. I can't believe people are spending money on this wonder we're in debt. Seriously..

    As usual, very good at observational humor. Great job!

    (My favorite part was the fat woman in the thong..I swear, I thought that's what it was at first, too.)

  2. You know I'm your Go-To iPhone guy for any questions.

    Also, there certainly are some very silly things out there. So... just don't download them.

  3. No, I don't have any questions. Just a comment: fuck you, stupid iphone apps.

    Take that one to Steve Jobs. haha