The Oscar Highlights

Rather than copy and paste a list of nominees, winners, losers, best dressed, most and least fuckable stars on the red carpet at the show this year (PS - least is Sophia Loren), I want to do a quick rundown of some of my personal Oscar moments.


1. Ryan Seacrest interviews the Slumdog Millionaire kids.

"Because we're short on time and i can't pronounce all these names, let me hold up the, uh... here's who we've got. That's everybody. Those are all your names, right?"



Then, he tried to talk to the kid who didn't speak English.



Then he noted that the other girl, "speaks good English." Fantastic work.

2. STAR TRACKER

Why the hell are they using Nascar trackers on the red carpet?



It's more like...



While we're at it, why do they feel the need to display a photo chronology of dresses Penelope Cruz wore at the Oscars since 2000? Who caaaaares? But that does bring me to...

3. Red Carpet Arrivals

Does Anne Hathaway just keep getting whiter every year?



Interviewer - “How much of what you’re wearing do you own?”
Anne Hathaway - “I can’t answer that.”

Jessica Biel looked like she was all, "OMG, I'm late for the Oscars!" and wrapped herself in a curtain.



Philip Seymour Hoffman wearing a skullcap? Badass.



Danny Boyle looked like Rudy Guiliani injected with happy drugs.



Sophia Loren looked like a really shiny potato with big fake tits.



Mickey Rourke looked like he just got finished beating hookers around back.



Tilda Swinton looked like Macauley Culkin.



There was a countdown clock in the corner and the reporters are yelling to be heard over the screams of retarded fans in the background, “WE ARE JUST MOMENTS AWAY!”

It might as well have been the second coming of Jesus Christ.



4. Random Oscar Observations.

- They may have skimped on set pieces for a gag, but the stage was decorated in thousands of Swarovski crystals. Economic recession, my ass.

- I wonder how James Bond felt about being upstaged by Sarah Jessica Parker's boobs?



- Ben Stiller’s Joquian Phoenix impression was pretty funny.



- James Franco mispronounced "Spielzeugland."

- Penelope Cruz won for Best Supporting Actress. I wish this damn woman would learn to speak English.



- This Japanese guy said, "Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto,” in his speech.

- For best picture, Chris Colson, the only producer for Slumdog Millionaire was nominated. He wins and like, 25 people get onstage with him.



What the fuck are you doing? They don’t have statues for you people. Sit the hell down.

Then it was pretty much over.

There was a lot more to this post, but then I got drunk and forgot to write it down. I also got in shit for not participating in the Oscar pool. But I did wear a suit.

RANDOM BONUS: SNAKES ON A PLANE

No really. Some dude tried to sneak snakes on a plane.

When approached for comment, Samuel L Jackson said, "Hey, fuck you. That movie was worse than Osmosis Jones." Check that shit out.