News, Sex, Raccoons and Kebabs.

When I watch the news, I can always expect a healthy dose of drama, peppered with politics, sports, weather and in some cases, a semi-attractive anchorwoman to ogle at in between stories.

Mustaches, Muppets and Moonmen.

You're in New Jersey. You look back and see these three policemen.



You consider the fact that you may be on an LSD trip.

The Internet Intermittently Sucks

We've become so reliant on the internet, there are several things online that we probably couldn't do without; email, Facebook, news, porn. Y'know, the basic essentials.

There are also many things we could happily do without. Shitty pop-up ads. Or that emoticon that goes, "HELLLOOOOOO!!" and scares the crap out of you at 1am.

5 Alternate Ways To Get Famous

A lot of people aspire to be famous these days. Unfortunately, a lot of people are also talentless pieces of shit. Don’t worry, though. Lack of talent or contribution to the human race at all won’t stop you from becoming a celebrity. Here’s a helpful list of ways to skyrocket yourself to celebrity superstardom:

IKEA Makes a Bold Move

If you haven't seen the new IKEA catalogue yet, you should pick it up. It's fantastic. It's probably the second best catalogue featuring Swedish models, next to Victoria's Secret. The only difference being that I've never fantasized about an IKEA spread. Not sexually, anyways.

Cut It Out, VOL 1: Supercouples

You know what I can do without? Several things. In fact, there are so many things that need to be eliminated from existence that if one were to accurately describe the amount, it would be somewhere in the range of a metric assload. Trust me, that's a lot.

The $60 Lesson In Stupidity

I’m at the Laundromat last night, making sure my socks all come out of the washer. I put them in there in pairs, I’m damn sure gonna get them out of there in pairs. I toss the laundry in the dryer and chill out with The Watchtower.

WTF Infomercial - Slap Chop

*If you'd like me to check out a WTF Infomercial, share it in the comments. Also, be sure to check out WTF Infomercial - The Snuggie and WTF Is The Seal Pelt.

The latest in what is sure to be a string of WTF Infomercials? The Slap Chop, starring Vince Shlomi (lol, Shlomi...)

Sighting? Indeed.

Hours after Michael Jackson passed away, some guy in England noticed an eerie image on the hood of his car.

"The obvious explanation is that it seems to be some sort of cloud formation that just happened at the time."

The Rodge Hodge Podge

The Rodge Hodge Podge is actually an updated - and more importantly, properly-spelled - version of the last blog that consisted of random thoughts tossed together, The Raj Haj Paj. Only now it doesn’t sound like an Indian dish.

Watch Out For Cheetos

I ran across this story the other day from Shelbyville, TN.

Authorities said a couple got into a fight using Cheetos. The Bedford County Sheriff's Department said a 40-year-old man and 44-year-old woman became involved in a 'verbal altercation.' Somehow, the orange puffy snacks were used in the assault.

Going Up? Not Likely.

I stumbled across this Toronto Star debate musing diatribe piece on how many balloons it would take to lift a house, inspired by the new Pixar film Up.

My Stanley Cup Highlights

So, the Penguins kicked some ass in Game 7 tonight. Well, it was only 2-1 so they kicked just enough ass. Speaking of ass, this guy was definitely checking out Crosby's.

Even More Shitty Facebook Ads

I don't think they can get any worse. They just still exist.

The Raj Haj Paj

The Raj Haj Paj is actually a quick list of stupid things I need to get out, seeing as how I haven't written anything of substance in well over a month. But doesn’t it sound like a delicious mix of Indian dishes? Mmmmm. Raj haj paj.

Bread Heels & Ringtones: A Rant

You know who I feel bad for? The end crusts in a loaf of bread. Bread heels. Now, if you were to argue that bread heels are more ‘what’ than ‘who’, I say hey - bread heels are people too.

Okay, not really.

Questionable Reporting

I ran across this brief in the Metro the other day.

Phone Numbers and Pizza.

I’ll tell you what needs to happen. People need to stop spelling their phone numbers with words. Everyone is upgrading to a QWERTY keyboard, so the helpfulness of you switching your numbers to letters has been, much like Jazzy Jeff’s career after The Fresh Prince of Bel Air, rendered completely obselete.

Quicklink - How Mark Cassidy Died.

Today's blog, a quick blog that's not so much a blog because I don't have time to write a blog worthy of blogging - jesus, that word just doesn't make any sense. I know what it means... it just has no real world value. Fuckin' blogs. Good luck in the recession.

A Guide To Canadian Bills

Canadian bills have the advantage of being different colours so A) you can find the proper amount when you’re piss-loaded drunk and B) so other countries will think we’re gay.

WTF is the Sealpelt?

Aw, c’mon… what the hell? Did a Snuggie fuck a seal?

This Week In Idiots

Sometimes, there just aren't enough IQ points to divvy up between everybody. Here are four people who fell short.

Baseball Goes Overboard

Looking through the Blue Jays playing schedule this year, I noticed they have three different types of home games. Regular home game, Premium home game, and - not to be outdone - Super Premium home game.

What the fuck is going on here? Can't we just watch baseball anymore?

A Guide To Canadian Coins

The penny is brown. It looks like a little piece of rust. If you’ve gotten them back in your change, you know they also smell like cold shit. The penny has a maple leaf branch on it and, if I’m seeing it correctly, the shadow on the bottom of the branch indicates it has been severed from the tree.
Awesome. First up in Canadian currency: dead plants.

Snuggies Are Soooo Yesterday.

A couple months ago, I wrote a blog on how ridiculous the Snuggie is (check it out.) I didn't think fashion retardation could be topped after that.

I was wrong. What could be better than looking like you're in a cult, you ask? Just take a shot in the dark. Did you say a dress that fits over your couch?

Important News Today

I read the Metro on the way in to work this morning. Thought I'd share some of the important news. (Quotes are from the paper.)

Fast & Furious returns

I'm kind of excited to see this, if only for the fact that they brought the original cast back (except Jesse, that guy was totally gunned down by Johnny Tran.)

Recession Jobs: Stripper

If you're feeling the effects of this recession and are looking for a job, I caught this stripper job fair on CNN the other day.

They say they're looking to fill around 30 positions, from strippers and waitresses to disc jockeys and bartenders

The CNN reporter said they were also looking for 'back of the house staff'. To which the news anchor giggled and said, “I don’t know what that means.”

Ladders while you wait.

Here's a little-known fact: I worked at Wal Mart in high school, and all through college. Actually, probably a well-known fact. Especially to my family, friends and anyone who just read that sentence (If you jumped into this story mid-paragraph, you totally missed the set-up.)

More Shitty Facebook Ads

Months ago, I wrote about facebook ads that pissed me off. Luckily, they keep getting worse and supplying me with more content. Enjoy.

My Epic Tax Tale

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10 Obscure Songs On My iPod

Sometimes I go through my ipod and think, "Why the hell is this on here? WTF was I thinking?!" Here are the top ten most recent songs that elicited this response and their WTF-OMETER rating (Titles link to YouTube videos where available.)

7 Things People Like Getting Their Pictures With

1. DRUNK PEOPLE PASSED OUT

They can’t help but smugly point out that they’re sober enough to enjoy the humour of the situation but drunk enough to act like an asshole about it.

Come Get My Maxims

The past two times I've moved, I've had a couple boxes of Maxim/Stuff magazines that I collected. Why the hell would I keep these? Maybe I thought they would be worth something. Maybe I couldn't bear to part with something I invested so much time and money in. Or maybe I thought I might re-read them someday. But now the boxes just sit in my room taking up space and it's annoying the hell out of me. Who am I kidding? I don't need these anymore.

Cape Breton Loves the McDonalds Turkey BLT

Who remembers this commercial?



This commercial was shot in Cape Breton and features local yokels waxing delicious about the new McDonald’s deli sandwiches. Take a good look at this kid.

Cosmo, KFC & Oreos.

I was reading Cosmo this past weekend when I was visiting my parents (fuck you, I read Cosmo sometimes) and they had this article called How To Stretch Your Clothes.

Your checking account may have taken a hit, but that doesn’t mean your wardrobe has to suffer. These insider tips will maximize what’s already in your closet.

What The Hell Does THIS Mean?

Check out this job description I came across:

“Program Manager – lead complex cross-functional projects and programs with a focus on business process re-design, and systems implementation. Works with account teams to coordinate segment trade activity sets (via Account Planning System) to monitor and report alignment to the Shopper Conversion calendar, channel/customer conflict, as well as provide consolidated monitoring consumption versus shipment trends at major customers, inclusive of identification of key +/- variances."

The Oscar Highlights

Rather than copy and paste a list of nominees, winners, losers, best dressed, most and least fuckable stars on the red carpet at the show this year (PS - least is Sophia Loren), I want to do a quick rundown of some of my personal Oscar moments.

Blackberries and Bastard Peaches

A few weeks ago, my brother came to town to see a Kevin Smith Q&A. We hung out for the day before the show and, as much fun as we had, I had to draw the line when he ate what I thought was the last donut (It turns out there were eight more in the box that I hadn't bothered checking.)

Fingers & Thumbs

Roger Ebert uses the thumbs up/thumbs down method when reviewing movies.



However, Roger Ebert also looks a lot like Sally Jessie Raphael, so I call his credibility (and sexuality) into question. Therefore, I've decided to present Fingers & Thumbs.

40 Easy Steps For Crossing The Border

The Karma Story

Sometimes, karma can be a bitch. Then, other times, karma can be that cute girl next door that you secretly watch undress through the window.



She was more like the latter for me today.

Stupid iPhone Apps

I’m thinking of getting an iPhone. The price doesn't really bother me. What really bothers me is some of the useless, pointless, ridiculously retarded apps that you can download or - for people whose intellect is lower than their shoe size - actually spend money on.

Indoor Bungee and Sundry Other Items.

I heard of this when I was at West Edmonton Mall.

Monday Night Musings

You know in Japan, they have something called 'lamp fights'?



I guess it's like UFC. Except, with flourescent lightbulbs.

Matt Has Babies!

I know yesterday, I joked about being a dad. Which makes today's news kind of funny.

I was invited to a Superbowl get-together by a buddy from work, and was all set to get drunk. And I get woken by a text message from him this morning. “So, about that superbowl party… the babies decided to come early – two girls!”

Good Work, Mac Genius.

A couple weeks ago, I was left guessing at the Apple Store and decided I needed to clear up confusion over the hierarchy of Store employees. Needless to say, I was being my regular douchebag self and only meant it in jest.

Crack Spiders, Snakes & Lights For Jerks.

I’m doing my part for the environment and spreading this video about spiders.

Procter, Gamble, Silex & Pizza.

There’s Procter & Gamble. And Procter Silex. But they’re different Procters. Whatever happened to Silex? Did Procter muscle him out? I don’t see that guy as often as I used to.



But that could also be because I don’t really have a reason to go down the kitchen appliances aisle.

Apples, Porn and Pepsi Wars.

I went to the Apple store to get a pair of headphones the other day. Good luck trying to pay for anything in there. They have tables full of iPod and computer displays, all being used by kids who are too poor to afford them. And a Genius Bar at the back, being used by people who are too stupid to load music on their new iPod. No cash register.

Is It In Poor Taste To Title This 'House Of Pain'?

(01-13) 18:13 PST SAN RAFAEL -- At least 34 people committed suicide last year by jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge, according to figures released Tuesday by the Marin County coroner's office. The total was one more than in 2007, the coroner said.

Nobody comes to my door anymore.

And, frankly, I’m concerned.



Are all the Girl Guides dead? Why haven’t I see any cookies in like, five years?

MYCAPSLOCKANDSPACEBARAREINCAHOOTS.

When stores started out, you could go into say, Ernie's General Store, and get yourself a big ol’ bag of flour or a giant can of soup. But really, Ernie would get it for you.



All the shit was behind the counter and you would tell him what you want, then he would climb his feeble old ass up the ladder and fetch it for you, you would cut a penny in half to pay Ernie for your groceries (remember, shit was cheap back then), then he would put everything in giant paper bags for you.

Mmmmm, Rotten Bananas (At The Bottom.)

I figured out how to get on the TTC for free. But it only works around the beginning of the month. Here’s what you do:

Welcome To Your Favourite Coin Laundry

The shitty part is, it’s not my favourite coin laundry, it’s the only one within walking distance to my house. The shittier part is, there’s a company that makes doormats that say "welcome to your favourite coin laundry".

WTF Infomercials - The Snuggie

Could this be the most retarded invention ever? Hypothetcially, yes. But literally, yes.

Your Spice Rack Is Making Me Horny.

I saw an article about this website called dressregistry.com. Basically, women can register their dress for an event to ensure that no one else wears the same dress and they can avoid a fashion faux pas whereby they might accidentally run into the other person at the party and, for a split second, wonder why they look so ugly in that mirror.